Twiglets

Like much of our nation, I'm now basking in the contented afterglow of Christmas. I've worked out how much I can make on Ebay from unwanted gifts, and I'm munching my way through the leftover turkey and nibbles.

This annual post Christmas gorging provides opportunities to consume vittles that quite possibly could be illegal throughout the rest of the year. It's a known fact, that no man has ever entered a supermarket and purchased dips, unless he were a friend of Dorothy.

 

One of my guilty little pleasures at this time of year is Twiglets. Who would have thought that a wheat-based snack flavoured with yeast extract could cause such a commotion? My top tip to you all as we surge towards the new year is this, never ever eat a child's stick insect!

Nelson Mandela

It's nice to see Nelson Mandela is out of hospital. I like Nelson Mandela, he restores my faith in society. He spent 27 years in prison before finally being released on 11th February 1990. Since then, he's managed to stay out of trouble. Which just goes to show, prison does work!

The End Of The World

The world is ending tomorrow apparently. Around the globe, people are getting a little overexcited and partaking in all manner of strange behaviour. Not to be out done, I've put a list together myself of all the things I want to try before my demise.

I'm going to streak through Tesco in a gimp mask, take a dump in a policeman's helmet, eat somebody's pet, drag a Chav behind my car and kick a badger to death. After I've done all of that, I better crack on with that list!

Sharing is caring!

According to the BBC, thousands of children attend school each day hungry. Apparently, kind hearted teachers are putting their hands in their own pockets to provide these deprived children with food or money to purchase some lunch.

Last week, the very same BBC were harping on about how 1 in 5 of our school children are now obese. Clearly, nobody has really thought the situation out. Simply take the food off of the chubby lard loving porkers and give it to those in need.

That will do as my fleeting thought of kindness for this season of good cheer and goodwill.

Mencap

According to Wikipedia, Mencap started life as The National Association of Parents of Backward Children in 1946. In 1955 it became The National Society for Mentally Handicapped Children. Following royal involvement in 1981, it became The Royal Society for Mentally Handicapped Children and Adults. In 2002, it finally settled for the name The Royal Mencap Society, which is frequently shortened to just Mencap.


The common thread in these numerous name changes, is the lack of political correctness. Even Mencap is an amalgamation of two words. Mental (not a particularly pleasant title to bestow upon somebody) and Handicapped ( a word that has evolved over time from the phrase Cap in Hand, and refers to begging).



Well if they cannot be bothered themselves to make an effort, I thought I would throw my hat into the political incorrectness ring. It has come to my attention, that the Mencap headquarters in Peterborough have become flooded. In their insurance claim, Mencap have stated that this is due to rising waters caused by adverse weather conditions. How can they be sure that it just wasn't caused by excessive dribble?

Skyfall

James Bond has now been a cinematic mainstay for 50 years. Literary and film critics alike have fought the corner of Ian Fleming and Cubby Broccoli, stressing the influence their combined imaginations have had on the development of novel ideas and technology over time.

 I dare say there have been more than a few boffins over the years inspired to turn Bond fiction into reality. However, the Bond movies are not the only collaboration of Fleming and Broccoli that has inspired generations. Who can forget Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Whichever great mind developed the Child Catcher, I take my hat off to you. A true work of genius.

Onesie

At this time of year, the thoughts of many of us turn to the chore of Christmas shopping. Everyone has one of those difficult relatives to buy for. If you find yourself in this particular predicament, the trendy present of choice this year is a Onesie. They come in an abundance of themes, colours and designs. Fun, comfortable and practical apparently!

However, I beg to differ. Whilst they might initially look like more fun than you can shake a stick at, closer examination of the product finds it wanting. A zip malfunction at an extreme time of need could prove disastrous. That warm comforting feeling could be replaced with a rather moist and pungent embarrassment so easily.

Apparently, in USA, a Onesie is more commonly known as a Foursie!

Floods

Once again, great swathes of the country are under water. It is hard not to be moved by some of the harrowing images on the television. It is heartbreaking to see hard working people scrambling about their washed out homes , desperately trying to save their treasured belongings. Even David Cameron was moved by the devastation and went out to have a look for himself. At least he was able to look on the positive side of the events. Apparently, in his view, the country is not in as much trouble financially as the media portrays it. The dramatic increase in the number of indoor swimming pools is surely an indication of economic recovery.

David was not alone in identifying the positives in the situation. In several flooded out home I noticed fish tanks. That got me thinking what a pleasant change it must be for the fish. Usually they get visitors very infrequently.

If these floods continue as a regular occurrence, we are going to have to change our lifestyles to accommodate it. The issue of pets is likely to need redressing. It will be pointless getting a dog. Dogs tend to be energetic pets requiring regular walks. However, with the surrounds under water, perhaps pet selection will need greater consideration in future.

Literacy Rates

Children are no longer forced up chimneys or down pits, instead they are forced into school. Great emphasis is placed on the need for children to read and write. Schools are frequently measured by their pupils' development in these particular core skills. Consequently, appropriate reading material is essential and is a much sought after commodity.

However, it seems slightly ironic that despite being one of the best selling authors of childrens' books globally, Ronald Dahl can't even spell his own name.

Diabetes

Apparently, it is World Diabetes Day today. I can't see it really catching on. It doesn't have the same appeal as Christmas or Easter. We haven't put up any decorations or anything in our house. A cake was considered, then deemed inappropriate.

With obesity on the rise, diabetes is likewise rising, hand in amputated hand. So perhaps diabetes is natures great equaliser. As the pig people balloon in response to their greed and slothful existence, diabetes trims their extremities, thus reducing their weight.

 I considered making reference to a seesaw at this point, but once again, deemed it a little insensitive. It's not always a smart idea to rile a pachyderm. A charging rhino is a destructive uncompromising force.

 

Cognomen

Looking back through history, our monarchs have had some colourful and interesting titles appended to their names. We had Alfred the Great, Æthelred the Unready, Edmund Ironside, William the Conquerer (also known as William the Bastard) and Edward the Confessor to name but a few.

I can't help thinking we're missing out on something nowadays. Afterall, who wouldn't look forward to being ruled by Charles the Twat!

Written In The Stars

For generations, countless people have believed that their fate is intrinsically linked to the stars.

 

That people born at a particular time of the year have their personalities sculpted by the position of various constellations.

Whilst others shun such a notion, frequently ridiculing the aforementioned believers.

Personally, I am unable to find fault with such a theory. After all, Jesus, Martin Luther King Jr, Gandhi and myself, we're all Capricorns!

Conspiracy

I love conspiracy theorists. Those crazy deluded fools that struggle to grasp reality. I've heard some classics over the years, but there are always a couple that stand out and truly gain mad as a box of frogs status.

Firstly, there is the notion that the moon landings were fake. I cannot deny that Hollywood have turned out some quite outstanding sci-fi blockbusters over the years. However, it wasn't until the advent of Star Wars in 1977 that anything convincing was created in the way of special effects. This suggests that the technology did not exist at the supposed time of the moon landings to create a convincing film of a faked landing. However, if you need a more simplistic reason to dismiss this conspiracy, just check out the number of people involved. If President Clinton was unable to conceal his indiscretions with all the security at his disposal, then surely if the moon landings were faked, someone at NASA would have been cashing in by blowing the whistle long ago.

The other favourite of mine is the totally bonkers theory that the Queen and Prince Philip had Diana bumped off in a car crash in Paris. I'm sure with the kind of wealth the Queen has at her disposal, if she wanted someone bumped off, it could be done in a slightly more creative fashion. Although personally I can't see what would be wrong with a good old fashioned beheading!

However, the reality of the situation is slightly more obvious. Anyone that has ever been to Paris would have frequently witnessed greasy haired scum on motor scooters pursuing and and harassing attractive women. Often their garlic breath alone is enough of a distraction to cause an accident.

If you are determined to ponder one of life's great mysteries, Cast your cognitive prowess over this little gem.

Have you ever considered why white dog muck disappeared from our streets at roughly the same time as Spangles disappeared from our sweet shop shelves!

Riding Along On The Crest Of A Wave

In the good old days we were able to shove kids up chimneys and involve them in other character building activities. Then the dogooders got involved and the streets were once again awash with the wretched urchins.

Fortunately, in 1908, a well known pervert took time out from thumbing through his collection of pictures of naked boys, and started the Scouting movement.

In 1949, scouts were introduced to the first Bob a Job Week. Once again small boys could be exploited for a mere pittance.

 

In 1970, the Scout movement decided to cash in on the exploitation of child labour, and Bob a Job Week became Scout Job Week. Thus the price of temporarily enslaving children was inflated dramatically. Despite this slight setback, child abuse was still value for money.

 



Ironically, it was the fear of sexual deviants that brought this practise to an end. Nowadays, scouts are able to return to the more wholesome activities, such as tying each other up and singing about their Ging Gang Goolies!

Mousetrap

According to Rentokill, the best bait for a mousetrap is not cheese but chocolate. I beg to differ. The best bait for a mouse trap is actually laxative chocolate. Should the cunning vermin manage to remove the bait without springing the trap, the game isn't necessarily over. You can simply track your unfortunate foe by following the unholy trail until you stumble upon your prey, who by this time will probably be bent double with eyes bulging, begging for you to end it.

 

 

At this point, I favour a shovel as my chosen weapon of mass destruction.

The Party's Over

Every weekend, somewhere in the world, there is an unpopular kid at school, college or university that has a brilliant idea that they believe will elevate them to legend status. That idea is a party!

Unfortunately, others attending the party have a slightly differing view of how the proceedings and outcomes will manifest themselves throughout what can only be described as a long night of carnage.

As the casualties mount and the house decreases in value at an alarming rate, the poor disillusioned soul can only watch as their entire world appears to come to an end.

If you happen to be witnessing one such event, and you have the slightest scrap of compassion, then you know it is your duty to bring the proceedings to an end. Although that is easier said than done. Nobody is usually very keen to leave whilst the destruction is still in full flow. So a cunning plan is required.

An easy option would be to call the police. The police have quite a successful track record for breaking up parties. However, if you happen to be identified as the one who called the police, your own social standing is likely to take a knock.

 

I like to bring the festivities to a close in a slightly more dramatic fashion. Simply take a few tins of cat food. Chuck them in the oven. Crank up the oven to its highest setting, then evacuate the kitchen.

Nothing says a party is over like Whiskers Nagasaki!

Fashionista

It comes as no surprise that JJB had to call in the administrators. Although rumour has it, they are still thriving in Liverpool.