Once again Halloween is almost upon us. On a positive note, they usually put some classic horror movies on television. Unfortunately, this is outweighed by the down side to Halloween. Dozens of scrounging neighbour kids banging on my door after handouts. It's bad enough that my taxes are paying for their scrounging parents' benefits.
Not this year. I have a cunning plan. By spray painting "dirty nonce" and "paedo" on the outside of my house, those grabbing little urchins should stay well clear of my humble abode. A nice quiet night in front of the television beckons.
If you're a bit of a fat ugly munter, finding a partner or even a friend can be difficult. A lonely, but brief life stretches before you.
Don't lose heart, you can always get a pet. Obviously a dog is out of the question. We all know how you feel about exercise. So why not consider a cat? Cats pretty much take care of themselves, leaving you free to stuff your face.
For fat ugly people, owning cats is also a selfless act. You are clearly a heart attack waiting to happen. As a single lonely person, some unfortunate relative is going to have to shell out for your very expensive funeral with extra costs for an excessively large coffin an additional pall bearers. However, if you are the owner of cats this won't be an issue. When you die they will simply eat you.
In the Forest of Dean they have a squirrel problem. Apparently, vast numbers of squirrels are causing considerable damage to the forest. Consequently, they are promoting the consumption of squirrel pie as the solution to the problem. They have even gone as far as dubbing them "free range chicken of the trees". Competitions are also being held to see who can create the best squirrel burger.
I understand their concern for the well being of the countryside, but squirrels aren't the only culprits when it comes to damaging it. I wonder if the fine folk of Gloucestershire have any more solutions up their sleeves!
Are you having trouble adjusting to a civilised world?
Do you have the social conscience of a dog caught short in a children's playground?
Do you believe the Dark Ages were fun for all the family?
Do you have a beard that resembles a rabid otter?
If you can answer"yes" to all four questions, you might want to give Jihad a go.
The trouble is, which barking mad group do you join? There's plenty to choose from. There's Boko Haram, ISIS/ISIL, Hamas, al-Qaeda or the Taliban, to name but a few.
I suppose it comes down to personal preference. If you're good at Hide and Seek and like living in a cave, you might want to join al-Qaeda. However, if kidnapping and child abuse is more your thing, you might want to consider Boko Haram.
If you feel yourself attracted to livestock, perhaps the Taliban is for you. Maybe you are not particularly gifted in the bravery department. If that is you, then why not hide behind some children with Hamas. Do you think necks look better without heads? If so, perhaps you should throw your lot in with ISIS/ISIL.
Alternatively, and I know this is a bit of a long shot, you could give peace a go and just enjoy a bacon sandwich and a pint of beer.......Lovely!
