Jihad

Are you having trouble adjusting to a civilised world?

Do you have the social conscience of a dog caught short in a children's playground?

Do you believe the Dark Ages were fun for all the family?

Do you have a beard that resembles a rabid otter?

If you can answer"yes" to all four questions, you might want to give Jihad a go.

The trouble is, which barking mad group do you join? There's plenty to choose from. There's Boko Haram, ISIS/ISIL, Hamas, al-Qaeda or the Taliban, to name but a few.

I suppose it comes down to personal preference. If you're good at Hide and Seek and like living in a cave, you might want to join al-Qaeda. However, if kidnapping and child abuse is more your thing, you might want to consider Boko Haram.

If you feel yourself attracted to livestock, perhaps the Taliban is for you. Maybe you are not particularly gifted in the bravery department. If that is you, then why not hide behind some children with Hamas. Do you think necks look better without heads? If so, perhaps you should throw your lot in with ISIS/ISIL.

Alternatively, and I know this is a bit of a long shot, you could give peace a go and just enjoy a bacon sandwich and a pint of beer.......Lovely!