Mousetrap

According to Rentokill, the best bait for a mousetrap is not cheese but chocolate. I beg to differ. The best bait for a mouse trap is actually laxative chocolate. Should the cunning vermin manage to remove the bait without springing the trap, the game isn't necessarily over. You can simply track your unfortunate foe by following the unholy trail until you stumble upon your prey, who by this time will probably be bent double with eyes bulging, begging for you to end it.

 

 

At this point, I favour a shovel as my chosen weapon of mass destruction.

The Party's Over

Every weekend, somewhere in the world, there is an unpopular kid at school, college or university that has a brilliant idea that they believe will elevate them to legend status. That idea is a party!

Unfortunately, others attending the party have a slightly differing view of how the proceedings and outcomes will manifest themselves throughout what can only be described as a long night of carnage.

As the casualties mount and the house decreases in value at an alarming rate, the poor disillusioned soul can only watch as their entire world appears to come to an end.

If you happen to be witnessing one such event, and you have the slightest scrap of compassion, then you know it is your duty to bring the proceedings to an end. Although that is easier said than done. Nobody is usually very keen to leave whilst the destruction is still in full flow. So a cunning plan is required.

An easy option would be to call the police. The police have quite a successful track record for breaking up parties. However, if you happen to be identified as the one who called the police, your own social standing is likely to take a knock.

 

I like to bring the festivities to a close in a slightly more dramatic fashion. Simply take a few tins of cat food. Chuck them in the oven. Crank up the oven to its highest setting, then evacuate the kitchen.

Nothing says a party is over like Whiskers Nagasaki!

Fashionista

It comes as no surprise that JJB had to call in the administrators. Although rumour has it, they are still thriving in Liverpool.

Why!

 

I've been asked why I feel it necessary to poke fat people with pointy sticks. Well there are three reasons why I both support and partake in this activity. Firstly, herding fat people down the street with a pointy stick might encourage the chunky salad dodgers to do something about their predicament. Secondly, it provides the lard lovers with some much needed exercise. However, the third and most important reason for doing so, is that it is just so much fun for us normal people!

Child care Issues

How many labour hours are lost each year due to lazy or irresponsible parents claiming they have child care issues? Surely employers aren't still falling for that old chestnut. One swift call to Childline, and they'll take those troublesome kids off your hands quicker than you can say Jimmy Saville.

Rumour has it, they will even take ginger kids!

The reason why pirates get a bad name!

Hands up all those who've been caught shop lifting in Saudi Arabia.

Who said that?

When a blind person has a near death experience, does their whole life flash before their ears?