Scottish Independence

The big vote is almost upon us. Both sides are neck and neck, with the outcome uncertain. Although the Daily Star has proclaimed that the Scots will gain their independence as they featured a picture a piece of chicken, purchased from KFC, that was shaped like mainland Britain with Scotland missing.

Most people will mostly likely vote according to how they feel the outcome will effect them personally. Buckfast's decision to pull out of Scotland, should they gain independence, could have a major impact on the outcome of the referendum.

Whilst transvestites have always felt welcome in Scotland and would probably support independence.

I'm more interested in how it affects us down here in England. Will we be able to send all of our resident Jocks back north of Hadrian's Wall? Will we be able to send the rest of the Gingers packing with them?

It's not as though Scottish women are easy on the eye!

Despite all this, my biggest concern is how can we get rid of Wales. We've had their coal. We've had their gold. They're just costing us money now. Just think, if we can get rid of Scotland and Wales, we will go from being Great Britain to Awesome Britain!

Frozen

The story of a women killing her husband with a squirrel recently went viral. I'm not sure how she carried out this act, but if it were me, I would have frozen the squirrel first and then used it as a club. I would loved to have watched Quincy try to figure out the identity of the murder weapon.

It's surprising how much fun you can actually have with otherwise mundane objects once they are frozen. Walt Disney's head is much better for ten pin bowling in its frozen form.

Let us also not forget how difficult it is to sharpen worms with a pencil sharpener if they are not frozen first.

Who's To Blame?

A couple of thousand years ago, Romans nailed Jesus to a cross. The Jews got the blame, and are still blamed to this day. Despite there being four accounts in the Bible of the death of Jesus, and in each account it makes it perfectly clear that it was the Romans that crucified him. Nobody ever points their finger at the Italians.

Similarly, Europeans have been blamed for taking tuberculosis to the Americas, resulting in the decimation of the indigenous inhabitants. However, recent scientific studies have shown that tuberculosis was actually spread to the Americas by seals, long before the arrival of any European settlers. I bet we never get an apology. They will just continue to eat their fish and clap in that smug manner. 

The Walking Dead

Like a good many other avid fans, I'm looking forward to the return of The Walking Dead this Autumn. Vampires have their appeal, as do demons and inbred mutant canibals, but the zombie is The Daddy of monsters.

It is probably something to do with the fear of being eaten alive, and potentially by a friend or family member. Add to this the psychological trauma of having to kill an infected family member before they turn, they are a truely terrifying foe.

In Canada, researchers have gone as far as doing a scientific study into how long it would take an outbrake of zombies to overrun society, and whether it is possible for the human race to survive such an outbrake. The scientific paper is published in a book - Infectious Diseases Modelling Research Progress.

In the UK, we initially appear to be at a disadvantage due to our lack of guns, and even crossbows. However, most of the guns that are in the hands of the public belong to farmers. They are only too willing to use them to keep unwanted guests off their land. We also have a couple of other advantages. Firstly, we have Wetherspoons. Any zombies wandering in there in their usual uncoordinated fashion would undoubtedily spill a few pints. Their chances of survival would be slim following the ensuing altercations. Secondly, with the size of the holes that council workers leave in our highways and byways, vast numbers of zombies will rot away in the bottom rain drenched pits. Just to be on the safe side though, I think it would be wise for morticians to tie the shoelaces together of any deceased passing their way.

Are you ready? Personally, I'm not that concerned. I figure I just have to be able to run faster than the fatties!

Can You Help?

Like most people, I frequently find my email spam box littered with requests to help out a variety of unfortunates. Most are scams or hokum. Even genuine ones are often a little bizarre.

I recently received one informing me that twenty dogs were due to be put down the following morning and requesting my assistance. I don't even possess a gun! However, I do own a shovel which has proved very useful for caving in the heads of otters.

It gives you a nice warm feeling inside, knowing that you can help!

Buying A Zoo

Ever since I was a child, it has been a dream of mine to own my own zoo. Owning your own zoo, how cool would that be?

Obviously, zoos don't come cheap. There is the purchase and transportation of the animals, feed, cages and warnings signs.

Consequently, I've been saving a long time, but the day has finally arrived. A zoo of my own.

You've got to love Lego!

Irresponsible Parents

I saw in the news a couple of days ago, that a boy lost his arm to a tiger in a zoo in Brazil. I can't believe how irresponsible some parents can be.

Do these parents not teach their children anything? Everybody knows that when you stroke a tiger, you do so in the direction that the fur is growing. Tigers don't like it if you go against the nap, and have been known to get upset.