Wide Load

I was driving down the M5 motorway today, when I found myself stuck behind a lorry, proudly displaying a Wide Load notice on the rear. I pondered the relevance of this notice. Was it referring to the vehicle or the driver? You never seem to see a thin lorry driver, and I want to know why!

I accept that they spend much of their day sitting down, and I'm ignorant to the calorific value of Yorkie Bars and Pro Plus. I also acknowledge that very little energy is expended in concealing illegal immigrants, but surely raping and murdering hitch hikers must be the equivalent of a good workout!

The Pope

Apparently the Pope is knackered. After years of covering up the crimes of paedophiles and promoting the spread of AIDS, the poor old Nazi has had enough.

He wasn't the first Nazi Pope. Pope Pius XII had previously filled that role. However, unless the Catholic church can dig up a Neo-Nazi, he will probably be the last. Although I wouldn't put that past them.

So if anyone knows an ageing virgin keen on instructing others in their chosen sexual practises, who wants to live in a palace whilst preaching to others about giving to the poor and likes the taste of tarmac, please put them in touch with the Vatican.

Horse meat

As mentioned previously, I'm no big fan of horses. However, not being the kind of person to cause unnecessary upset, I've been pondering the dilemma of what to do should someone ever give me a horse.

In the past, your option for equine disposal have been glue or string. I was never really sure which was the most profitable. Fortunately, this quandary no longer exists. The answer is clearly lasagna.

Sharia Law

I can't say I'm fully in favour of the introduction of Sharia Law into the UK. There are certain aspects that quite frankly, don't appear to make any sense whatsoever. Having women walk three paces behind men may well raise the men's street credibility, but it's no way to clear a mine field.

However, I am in favour of the Burqa. I have always been a believer in equality for women, and nothing beats the burqa for creating a level playing field. If all women wore burqas, even the ugly ones would be in with a shout for a bit of action. Gingers, fatties, the deformed, hairy or just plain weird looking all have parity with the normal women. Although any woman with a lazy eye or a squint would be considered a right minger!

One thing that does strike me as a little hypocritical about the compulsory introduction of the burqa, is that I was under the impression that the Qur'an was against gambling. Yet picking a bride must surely have greater odds than the throwing of any dice.

Coffee

The Berrow's Journal of Worcester, claims to be the oldest newspaper in the world. They are rightly proud of this fact, and relay old stories in a weekly feature as a kind of demonstration of their history of recording local events.

 

They claim that 250 years ago, on Sunday last, died David Moore, Master of the Old Coffee House, Worcester. He was valued and esteemed by the nobility and gentry that frequented it, for his obliging behaviour, and is much lamented by all his acquaintances.

 

I think perhaps I should be extending my demands as a customer beyond requesting almond syrup in my latte. I've clearly been selling myself short!

Creation

Creationists believe people are descended from apes. Do they also believe that ginger people are descended from orangutans?

Noah

I've never trusted horses. Donkeys, mules, in fact anything equine. There's something devious about them.

 

My suspicions were first aroused way back at Sunday School with the story of Noah and the flood. The rules clearly stated two of each species. According to the pictures we were shown, all the animals formed an orderly queue and promptly marched into the ark. However, not so the evil horses. They slyly painted up a couple of their kind and blagged Noah that it was a new species called a Zebra.

After the success of the zebra business, confidence was riding high and several attempts were made to create unicorns.

Despite several trips to Ann Summers, a suitable horn substitute could not be found and the idea was abandoned.