When smuggling drugs, never use an owl. Their startled facial features are a dead give away!
Fear of clowns has become so common place that there is now a recognised term for it, Coulrophobia.
I'm not talking about the clowns in parliament, although we probably have good reason to fear them. I'm talking about the ones you find in the circus, advertising in McDonald's or on a night out in Norfolk (also known as locals). You know the ones, red nose, big feet, clothes like a hippie's car seat cover.
I wouldn't say I fear clowns, but I am certainly suspicious of them. Anyone whose car breaks down that frequently but doesn't swear is clearly not normal. Also, most shoe shops have an upper limit in shoe size. Where do they buy their shoes?
Apparently in America they even have Clown Schools. There's quite a prestigious one called Harvard.
The big vote is almost upon us. Both sides are neck and neck, with the outcome uncertain. Although the Daily Star has proclaimed that the Scots will gain their independence as they featured a picture a piece of chicken, purchased from KFC, that was shaped like mainland Britain with Scotland missing.
Most people will mostly likely vote according to how they feel the outcome will effect them personally. Buckfast's decision to pull out of Scotland, should they gain independence, could have a major impact on the outcome of the referendum.
Whilst transvestites have always felt welcome in Scotland and would probably support independence.
I'm more interested in how it affects us down here in England. Will we be able to send all of our resident Jocks back north of Hadrian's Wall? Will we be able to send the rest of the Gingers packing with them?
It's not as though Scottish women are easy on the eye!
Despite all this, my biggest concern is how can we get rid of Wales. We've had their coal. We've had their gold. They're just costing us money now. Just think, if we can get rid of Scotland and Wales, we will go from being Great Britain to Awesome Britain!
The story of a women killing her husband with a squirrel recently went viral. I'm not sure how she carried out this act, but if it were me, I would have frozen the squirrel first and then used it as a club. I would loved to have watched Quincy try to figure out the identity of the murder weapon.
It's surprising how much fun you can actually have with otherwise mundane objects once they are frozen. Walt Disney's head is much better for ten pin bowling in its frozen form.
Let us also not forget how difficult it is to sharpen worms with a pencil sharpener if they are not frozen first.
A couple of thousand years ago, Romans nailed Jesus to a cross. The Jews got the blame, and are still blamed to this day. Despite there being four accounts in the Bible of the death of Jesus, and in each account it makes it perfectly clear that it was the Romans that crucified him. Nobody ever points their finger at the Italians.
Similarly, Europeans have been blamed for taking tuberculosis to the Americas, resulting in the decimation of the indigenous inhabitants. However, recent scientific studies have shown that tuberculosis was actually spread to the Americas by seals, long before the arrival of any European settlers. I bet we never get an apology. They will just continue to eat their fish and clap in that smug manner.
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