Once again Christmas is upon us. On the big day, countless folk around our great nation will be tucking into a turkey dinner, accompanied by an abundance of booze. They will then settle down as a family in front of the television to feast on a vast array of audio visual delights with a seasonal twist.
Unfortunately, it has all become a little predictable. The will be The Vicar of Dibley Christmas Special, where we get to see the big fat female vicar munch her way through numerous Christmas dinners in an attempt not to disappoint any of her parishioners. Then there will by the Morecambe and Wise Christmas Special and the Two Ronnies Christmas Special, where we get to laugh at old 1970s sexiest jokes whilst proclaiming them timeless classics!
Staying with the theme of Timeless Classics, there is always the Top of the Pops Christmas Special. Where we get to sing along to all those tunes that we have been pelted with endlessly since the beginning of December.
There will be a Call the Midwife Christmas Special, where poverty tugs at our heart strings, before being replaced by a nice inner warmth when a new life in brought into the world and some nuns sing some lovely Christmas carols.
Downton Abbey Christmas Special gives us a glimpse of how rich people enjoyed Christmas 100 years ago at the expense of the poor.
However, despite all these festive offerings, I can't help feeling that the television producers are missing a trick.
How great would The Walking Dead Christmas Special be? I can picture the scene. A small group of survivors trapped on the roof of a tower block. Ammunition is low. food supplies are down to their last squirrel. The zombies are making their way onto the roof. There is no way down and nowhere to hide. Our weary group of survivors ready themselves for what looks like their last battle to the death.
When all looks lost, the sound of sleigh bells raise eyes skywards. Can it be? Yes it is! It's Santa to the rescue. A couple of heavily armed elves spray bullets at the advancing undead hoard, Whilst Donner and Blitzen do a River Dance on zombie skulls, spreading brains and eyeballs across the snow covered roof. Our heroes are saved. To add to their joy, Daryl Dixon puts a crossbow bolt through the neck of Dasher, so it's reindeer for Christmas dinner.
Who wouldn't want to watch that? It would certainly brighten up my Christmas day!
I can't believe that some people actually cry when chopping onions!
I don't even cry whilst chopping puppies!
At this time of year, our television screens are bombarded with Christmas adverts. As usual, the big debate is raging as to which advert is the best. Last year, John Lewis won hands down. Not so this year. Their pitiful offering featuring Monty the penguin might have increased their sales of over priced stuffed birds, but it just makes me want to punch a penguin. I suppose it will serve to give the swans a day off.
Marks and Spencer have had a good stab at taking the crown, but blew it with their catch phrase Follow the Fairies. That probably wouldn't end well. You could well find yourself in a Leather Bar, sporting a ball gag.
This years title of Best Christmas Advert goes to Sainsbury's. Their carefully crafted depiction of Christmas in the trenches in 1914 is tasteful and touching. It reminds us of the hardship endured by are brave fighting men during the First World War. There is also the touching scene when the Germans and British both leave their respective trenches and share a brief cessation in hostilities. They show each other photographs of loved ones and even enjoy a game of football. Unfortunately, the sounds of war drive them scurrying back to the cover of their trenches and it's back to business as usual.
Once back in their trenches, The German puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out a bar of British chocolate. Back in the British trench, the poor old Tommy is left with a dried up biscuit for his Christmas lunch. The thieving German stole his chocolate on Christmas day! No wonder we went to war with them! Lest we forget!
Nothing puts the fear of god into a restaurant owner more than a visit from the Health Inspectors. Health violations can shut a business down just as quickly as poor cuisine.
Gordon Ramsey has managed to produce a television show based on him shouting abuse at restaurant workers. I suppose, that if it saves the business, it is probably worth taking a few uncouth verbals from a man with a face like pork crackling.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of restaurants out there and Gordon is a busy man. He can't shout at everyone. So if the Health Inspectors are heading to your business, you are going to have to sort your own mess out.
Here's a little tip for you. Why not sweep up those mouse droppings and pop there in your pepper grinders. Thus removing one violation, and cutting your overheads.
We appear to be letting ourselves go a little. Waist lines are bulging, clothes are tightening and butts are spreading.
It's probably time we took a bit of action. But where to start?
Exercise would be a step in the right direction, providing you are agile enough to still be able to walk. Failing this, dieting is probably the best option.There are plenty to choose from. The Cambridge diet, F Plan, Carb free, Cabbage diet and even the Paleo diet, to name but a few. Results tend to vary. However, I have noticed that one diet has quite remarkable results.
Why not try the Swan Diet! After all, you never see a fat royal.
In my previous entry, I recommended spraying derogatory remarks on the walls of your house suggesting a sex offender dwells within, was a good idea to keep away pesky kids calling round Trick or Treating.
This proved to be sound advice. No kids rang my bell. Objective achieved. However, I would like to add that for single women and gay men, the aforementioned graffiti is also a good way to meet firemen.
Once again Halloween is almost upon us. On a positive note, they usually put some classic horror movies on television. Unfortunately, this is outweighed by the down side to Halloween. Dozens of scrounging neighbour kids banging on my door after handouts. It's bad enough that my taxes are paying for their scrounging parents' benefits.
Not this year. I have a cunning plan. By spray painting "dirty nonce" and "paedo" on the outside of my house, those grabbing little urchins should stay well clear of my humble abode. A nice quiet night in front of the television beckons.
If you're a bit of a fat ugly munter, finding a partner or even a friend can be difficult. A lonely, but brief life stretches before you.
Don't lose heart, you can always get a pet. Obviously a dog is out of the question. We all know how you feel about exercise. So why not consider a cat? Cats pretty much take care of themselves, leaving you free to stuff your face.
For fat ugly people, owning cats is also a selfless act. You are clearly a heart attack waiting to happen. As a single lonely person, some unfortunate relative is going to have to shell out for your very expensive funeral with extra costs for an excessively large coffin an additional pall bearers. However, if you are the owner of cats this won't be an issue. When you die they will simply eat you.
In the Forest of Dean they have a squirrel problem. Apparently, vast numbers of squirrels are causing considerable damage to the forest. Consequently, they are promoting the consumption of squirrel pie as the solution to the problem. They have even gone as far as dubbing them "free range chicken of the trees". Competitions are also being held to see who can create the best squirrel burger.
I understand their concern for the well being of the countryside, but squirrels aren't the only culprits when it comes to damaging it. I wonder if the fine folk of Gloucestershire have any more solutions up their sleeves!
Are you having trouble adjusting to a civilised world?
Do you have the social conscience of a dog caught short in a children's playground?
Do you believe the Dark Ages were fun for all the family?
Do you have a beard that resembles a rabid otter?
If you can answer"yes" to all four questions, you might want to give Jihad a go.
The trouble is, which barking mad group do you join? There's plenty to choose from. There's Boko Haram, ISIS/ISIL, Hamas, al-Qaeda or the Taliban, to name but a few.
I suppose it comes down to personal preference. If you're good at Hide and Seek and like living in a cave, you might want to join al-Qaeda. However, if kidnapping and child abuse is more your thing, you might want to consider Boko Haram.
If you feel yourself attracted to livestock, perhaps the Taliban is for you. Maybe you are not particularly gifted in the bravery department. If that is you, then why not hide behind some children with Hamas. Do you think necks look better without heads? If so, perhaps you should throw your lot in with ISIS/ISIL.
Alternatively, and I know this is a bit of a long shot, you could give peace a go and just enjoy a bacon sandwich and a pint of beer.......Lovely!
When smuggling drugs, never use an owl. Their startled facial features are a dead give away!
Fear of clowns has become so common place that there is now a recognised term for it, Coulrophobia.
I'm not talking about the clowns in parliament, although we probably have good reason to fear them. I'm talking about the ones you find in the circus, advertising in McDonald's or on a night out in Norfolk (also known as locals). You know the ones, red nose, big feet, clothes like a hippie's car seat cover.
I wouldn't say I fear clowns, but I am certainly suspicious of them. Anyone whose car breaks down that frequently but doesn't swear is clearly not normal. Also, most shoe shops have an upper limit in shoe size. Where do they buy their shoes?
Apparently in America they even have Clown Schools. There's quite a prestigious one called Harvard.
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