Once again the Olympics are almost upon us. The fastest, strongest and fittest from around the globe will compete in front of a television audience of millions. Then, following the completion of the Olympic games comes the Paralympics. Once again awesome physical feats will be on display to a large, but greatly reduced television audience.
One of the greatest challenges facing the organisers of the paralympics is the creating of a level playing field for all the different levels of disability. As more and more minority groups claim their phobias, quirks and allergies are disabilities, so the list of events is expanded. Obesity alone offers all manner of entertaining new events.
However, a little bit of forward thinking would assist in the smooth running of the programme of events. May I suggest staging the OCD100 meters straight after the 100 meters for the incontinent.
If you own a dog, you need to walk it. Some people find this therapeutic, some people find it a chore. Either way, there is one aspect of dog walking that nobody likes. That is cleaning up the steaming presents that your canine pal leaves along our highways and byways.
This need not be the case. Horse owners are not expected to clean up after their horse. So, when walking your dog, don a pair of thick comical glasses and put a saddle on your dog. Let it crap where it will, and if anyone says anything, just claim that you thought you bought a Shetland pony.
It comes as no surprise that we have earned the tag Broken Britain. We never seem to finish anything. Whether it be building projects, road improvements or even wars, we just don't see the job through to the end.
I've spent much of the last week finishing off half painted cows,
It always amazes me the extent to which brothers can differ. Just look at the Goering Brothers. Herman was a Nazi war criminal, whilst his brother Albert was a true humanitarian, who used his influence to save the lives of Jews during the holocaust.
This is not a one off example. Even today brothers can be polar opposites.
Dave Lee Travis, known by the initials DLT is a known sex offender. Whilst his brother Bacon, proved to be such a nice chap that he had a sandwich named after him.
Why do so many girls feel the need to take Selfies when they go to the toilet?
My mate Harry walked in on his Granny on the toilet the other day. Due to her age, she is not really up to speed with modern technology. Not wanting the old girl to miss out, he took one for her.
According to Woburn Safari Park, sea lions are faster than humans both on land and in water.
So if you're thinking of taking one on in a triathlon, it would probably be in your best interest to work on your cycling.
Once again Christmas is upon us. On the big day, countless folk around our great nation will be tucking into a turkey dinner, accompanied by an abundance of booze. They will then settle down as a family in front of the television to feast on a vast array of audio visual delights with a seasonal twist.
Unfortunately, it has all become a little predictable. The will be The Vicar of Dibley Christmas Special, where we get to see the big fat female vicar munch her way through numerous Christmas dinners in an attempt not to disappoint any of her parishioners. Then there will by the Morecambe and Wise Christmas Special and the Two Ronnies Christmas Special, where we get to laugh at old 1970s sexiest jokes whilst proclaiming them timeless classics!
Staying with the theme of Timeless Classics, there is always the Top of the Pops Christmas Special. Where we get to sing along to all those tunes that we have been pelted with endlessly since the beginning of December.
There will be a Call the Midwife Christmas Special, where poverty tugs at our heart strings, before being replaced by a nice inner warmth when a new life in brought into the world and some nuns sing some lovely Christmas carols.
Downton Abbey Christmas Special gives us a glimpse of how rich people enjoyed Christmas 100 years ago at the expense of the poor.
However, despite all these festive offerings, I can't help feeling that the television producers are missing a trick.
How great would The Walking Dead Christmas Special be? I can picture the scene. A small group of survivors trapped on the roof of a tower block. Ammunition is low. food supplies are down to their last squirrel. The zombies are making their way onto the roof. There is no way down and nowhere to hide. Our weary group of survivors ready themselves for what looks like their last battle to the death.
When all looks lost, the sound of sleigh bells raise eyes skywards. Can it be? Yes it is! It's Santa to the rescue. A couple of heavily armed elves spray bullets at the advancing undead hoard, Whilst Donner and Blitzen do a River Dance on zombie skulls, spreading brains and eyeballs across the snow covered roof. Our heroes are saved. To add to their joy, Daryl Dixon puts a crossbow bolt through the neck of Dasher, so it's reindeer for Christmas dinner.
Who wouldn't want to watch that? It would certainly brighten up my Christmas day!
I can't believe that some people actually cry when chopping onions!
I don't even cry whilst chopping puppies!
At this time of year, our television screens are bombarded with Christmas adverts. As usual, the big debate is raging as to which advert is the best. Last year, John Lewis won hands down. Not so this year. Their pitiful offering featuring Monty the penguin might have increased their sales of over priced stuffed birds, but it just makes me want to punch a penguin. I suppose it will serve to give the swans a day off.
Marks and Spencer have had a good stab at taking the crown, but blew it with their catch phrase Follow the Fairies. That probably wouldn't end well. You could well find yourself in a Leather Bar, sporting a ball gag.
This years title of Best Christmas Advert goes to Sainsbury's. Their carefully crafted depiction of Christmas in the trenches in 1914 is tasteful and touching. It reminds us of the hardship endured by are brave fighting men during the First World War. There is also the touching scene when the Germans and British both leave their respective trenches and share a brief cessation in hostilities. They show each other photographs of loved ones and even enjoy a game of football. Unfortunately, the sounds of war drive them scurrying back to the cover of their trenches and it's back to business as usual.
Once back in their trenches, The German puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out a bar of British chocolate. Back in the British trench, the poor old Tommy is left with a dried up biscuit for his Christmas lunch. The thieving German stole his chocolate on Christmas day! No wonder we went to war with them! Lest we forget!
Nothing puts the fear of god into a restaurant owner more than a visit from the Health Inspectors. Health violations can shut a business down just as quickly as poor cuisine.
Gordon Ramsey has managed to produce a television show based on him shouting abuse at restaurant workers. I suppose, that if it saves the business, it is probably worth taking a few uncouth verbals from a man with a face like pork crackling.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of restaurants out there and Gordon is a busy man. He can't shout at everyone. So if the Health Inspectors are heading to your business, you are going to have to sort your own mess out.
Here's a little tip for you. Why not sweep up those mouse droppings and pop there in your pepper grinders. Thus removing one violation, and cutting your overheads.
We appear to be letting ourselves go a little. Waist lines are bulging, clothes are tightening and butts are spreading.
It's probably time we took a bit of action. But where to start?
Exercise would be a step in the right direction, providing you are agile enough to still be able to walk. Failing this, dieting is probably the best option.There are plenty to choose from. The Cambridge diet, F Plan, Carb free, Cabbage diet and even the Paleo diet, to name but a few. Results tend to vary. However, I have noticed that one diet has quite remarkable results.
Why not try the Swan Diet! After all, you never see a fat royal.
In my previous entry, I recommended spraying derogatory remarks on the walls of your house suggesting a sex offender dwells within, was a good idea to keep away pesky kids calling round Trick or Treating.
This proved to be sound advice. No kids rang my bell. Objective achieved. However, I would like to add that for single women and gay men, the aforementioned graffiti is also a good way to meet firemen.
Once again Halloween is almost upon us. On a positive note, they usually put some classic horror movies on television. Unfortunately, this is outweighed by the down side to Halloween. Dozens of scrounging neighbour kids banging on my door after handouts. It's bad enough that my taxes are paying for their scrounging parents' benefits.
Not this year. I have a cunning plan. By spray painting "dirty nonce" and "paedo" on the outside of my house, those grabbing little urchins should stay well clear of my humble abode. A nice quiet night in front of the television beckons.
If you're a bit of a fat ugly munter, finding a partner or even a friend can be difficult. A lonely, but brief life stretches before you.
Don't lose heart, you can always get a pet. Obviously a dog is out of the question. We all know how you feel about exercise. So why not consider a cat? Cats pretty much take care of themselves, leaving you free to stuff your face.
For fat ugly people, owning cats is also a selfless act. You are clearly a heart attack waiting to happen. As a single lonely person, some unfortunate relative is going to have to shell out for your very expensive funeral with extra costs for an excessively large coffin an additional pall bearers. However, if you are the owner of cats this won't be an issue. When you die they will simply eat you.
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