Wednesday, 25 September 2013

House Prices

I really feel for first time house buyers. Despite house prices staying static for some time before the present rise, getting onto the property ladder is beyond the means of many young people. Even a couple with a dual income struggle to get a mortgage.
Unscrupulous Estate Agents take a large slice of meagre savings. Likewise, solicitors and surveyors are quick to follow suit. Consequently, little is left to lay down a deposit.
Perhaps the solution to this quandary lies in the initial search for a suitable premises. Instead of scanning the windows of Estate Agents, checking websites and thumbing through the property pages of newspapers, try checking the news. The homes of serial killers and the scenes of murders and suicides are always difficult to shift, even for the most cutthroat estate agent. For the sake of a bit of scrubbing and some disinfectant, you can grab yourself a bargain.

Tuesday, 17 September 2013


According to the education authorities, texting is having a negative influence on our children's education. Grammar and punctuation standards are rapidly in decline, as the English language is reduced to the realms of Vedic Sanskrit.

The argument in favour of text speak suggests that it is just a matter of progress, presenting society with a new modern and efficient form of communication. That might be so, but how do selected abbreviations enter into this new lexicon?

Most people are now familiar with LOL, BRB, OMG and ROFL. However, I feel there is ample scope to develop and evolve text talk to mirror our modern society. Here are a few of my suggestions , but feel free to add some of your own. It's our language and this is a great opportunity to take ownership of it.

JKF -Jeremy Kyle Fodder - Common peasants who are uncertain of their parentage.

PFWS - Poking Fatties With Sticks - Why not?

TBAG - Throwing Bricks At Golfers - They have clearly given up on life and need a jolt back to reality.

OTSAB - Off To Shoot A Badger - A waste of bullets in my opinion, but the are many country folk that appear keen.

SKOE - Selling Kidney On Ebay - There comes a time when the Loan Sharks demand their pound of flesh.

Wednesday, 11 September 2013


I recently watched a documentary about a boy that had been raised by wolves. He had adopted many of their characteristics. For example, eating raw meat, howling at the moon and the inability to play football.
At a glance, such an existence would appear unfavourable. However, on closer examination, it is evident that such an upbringing does provide certain advantages. Trivial niceties and manners become redundant, politics become irrelevant, whilst ripping undesirables to bits and feasting on them would surely be forgivable. In fact, a lupine childhood would excuse all manner of taboo activities.

I was abandoned in the wilderness at an early age myself. Being raised by dandelions left few mental scars. Although to this very day, I am still unable to tell the time without sufficient wind.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

Music Festivals

As summer draws to a close, so does the great music festival season. Every year, thousands of music enthusiasts, fun seekers and supporters of the arts elect to spend their weekends in muddy fields surrounded by hippies, drug dealers, nutters and the great unwashed in an attempt to witness their musical heroes strutting their stuff in the flesh.
Besides risking trench foot, food poisoning, premature deafness and a whole host of unpleasant diseases, revellers have to endure the horrors of the festival toilet facilities, or lack of them. At best, this involves standing in a long queue with all manner of weirdoes, awaiting the opportunity to squat over soiled festering dung hole in a chemical toilet cubicle.
Meanwhile, the prized position in front of the main stage has been taken by somebody else.

Time away from the main stage is always a problem. Not every act is required viewing. whilst some are to be actively avoided. Imagine having to witness a two hour set by Robbie Williams or one of the Gallagher brothers, just to gain the opportunity to see  a worthwhile act. Consequently, there will be times when it is deemed necessary to abandon a good vantage point.

When confronted with this quandary, I like to take a leaf out of nature's book. Following the example set by wolves, I like to urinate around my deck chair, thus marking my territory. It's amazing how few hippies are prepared to encroach on your space following such a blatant display. Allowing you to go about your business and return to your original chosen spot.