Sunday, 30 December 2012


Like much of our nation, I'm now basking in the contented afterglow of Christmas. I've worked out how much I can make on Ebay from unwanted gifts, and I'm munching my way through the leftover turkey and nibbles.
This annual post Christmas gorging provides opportunities to consume vittles that quite possibly could be illegal throughout the rest of the year. It's a known fact, that no man has ever entered a supermarket and purchased dips, unless he were a friend of Dorothy.
One of my guilty little pleasures at this time of year is Twiglets. Who would have thought that a wheat-based snack flavoured with yeast extract could cause such a commotion? My top tip to you all as we surge towards the new year is this, never ever eat a child's stick insect!

Thursday, 27 December 2012

Nelson Mandela

It's nice to see Nelson Mandela is out of hospital. I like Nelson Mandela, he restores my faith in society. He spent 27 years in prison before finally being released on 11th February 1990. Since then, he's managed to stay out of trouble. Which just goes to show, prison does work!

Thursday, 20 December 2012

The End Of The World

The world is ending tomorrow apparently. Around the globe, people are getting a little overexcited and partaking in all manner of strange behaviour. Not to be out done, I've put a list together myself of all the things I want to try before my demise.

I'm going to streak through Tesco in a gimp mask, take a dump in a policeman's helmet, eat somebody's pet, drag a Chav behind my car and kick a badger to death. After I've done all of that, I better crack on with that list!

Sunday, 16 December 2012

Sharing is caring!

According to the BBC, thousands of children attend school each day hungry. Apparently, kind hearted teachers are putting their hands in their own pockets to provide these deprived children with food or money to purchase some lunch.

Last week, the very same BBC were harping on about how 1 in 5 of our school children are now obese. Clearly, nobody has really thought the situation out. Simply take the food off of the chubby lard loving porkers and give it to those in need.

That will do as my fleeting thought of kindness for this season of good cheer and goodwill.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012


According to Wikipedia, Mencap started life as The National Association of Parents of Backward Children in 1946. In 1955 it became The National Society for Mentally Handicapped Children. Following royal involvement in 1981, it became The Royal Society for Mentally Handicapped Children and Adults. In 2002, it finally settled for the name The Royal Mencap Society, which is frequently shortened to just Mencap.

The common thread in these numerous name changes, is the lack of political correctness. Even Mencap is an amalgamation of two words. Mental (not a particularly pleasant title to bestow upon somebody) and Handicapped ( a word that has evolved over time from the phrase Cap in Hand, and refers to begging).

Well if they cannot be bothered themselves to make an effort, I thought I would throw my hat into the political incorrectness ring. It has come to my attention, that the Mencap headquarters in Peterborough have become flooded. In their insurance claim, Mencap have stated that this is due to rising waters caused by adverse weather conditions. How can they be sure that it just wasn't caused by excessive dribble?

Sunday, 9 December 2012


James Bond has now been a cinematic mainstay for 50 years. Literary and film critics alike have fought the corner of Ian Fleming and Cubby Broccoli, stressing the influence their combined imaginations have had on the development of novel ideas and technology over time.

 I dare say there have been more than a few boffins over the years inspired to turn Bond fiction into reality. However, the Bond movies are not the only collaboration of Fleming and Broccoli that has inspired generations. Who can forget Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Whichever great mind developed the Child Catcher, I take my hat off to you. A true work of genius.

Friday, 7 December 2012


At this time of year, the thoughts of many of us turn to the chore of Christmas shopping. Everyone has one of those difficult relatives to buy for. If you find yourself in this particular predicament, the trendy present of choice this year is a Onesie. They come in an abundance of themes, colours and designs. Fun, comfortable and practical apparently!

However, I beg to differ. Whilst they might initially look like more fun than you can shake a stick at, closer examination of the product finds it wanting. A zip malfunction at an extreme time of need could prove disastrous. That warm comforting feeling could be replaced with a rather moist and pungent embarrassment so easily.
Apparently, in USA, a Onesie is more commonly known as a Foursie!