Wednesday, 29 January 2014

What's In A Name?

Many of our names reflect the trades of our ancestors. However, few people still earn a living from the trade portrayed by their family names.
This is shame. How many miners would still be gainfully employed had Margaret Thatcher worked as a roofer?
Would Norman Stanley Fletcher ever been incarcerated in Slade Prison if he was still involved in the manufacture of hardware for archers?
Would Pat Butcher have ended up scaring patrons in the Queen Vic if she opted to bone carcasses for Sunday roasts?

Although it's nice to know that some people have been upholding family tradition. A flat phone battery led me to a public phone box the other day, where I found a card advertising the services of a certain Madame Whiplash!

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Product Placement

The government are concerned about the number of accidents occurring at Level Crossings. Apparently, ten people have died on them in the past year. Unfortunately, they are yet to come up with any new initiatives to improve safety standards on the crossings. They already have safety barriers and warning notices, but these are still proving insufficient. Personally, I think Level Crossings do a sterling job in cleaning up the gene pool.
If they really must make them safer, perhaps they should be looking are the surrounding environment, rather than wasting more of the tax payers money.

 I've noticed that new branches of Greggs have been springing up everywhere. Now I don't blame Greggs for trying to cash in on the Porker Pound. It is just a case of basic Supply and Demand. However, common sense dictates that they should not be allowed to open up new outlets in the immediate vicinity of Level Crossings. Once those lard lovers get a whiff of those pies, no warning notices or safety barriers are going to stop them. 

Sunday, 19 January 2014


I've always been a great supporter of the arts. So when the chance came for me to broaden my horizons with a trip to my local pantomime, I didn't hesitate. For those not familiar with this particular form of entertainment, it consists of a lot of middle aged men cross-dressing and attempting to engage with small children whilst seeking opportunities to flash large spotted or brightly coloured female under garments at them.
 At certain points throughout the performance, the audience are encouraged to shout out 'He's behind you!' with great gusto. By this stage I feared the worse and I shouted with conviction at the thought of Jimmy Savilesque atrocities being performed before my very eyes.
When I could take no more, I made the necessary phone call and let Operation Yewtree do the rest.

Sunday, 5 January 2014

Boxer Dog

I asked a friend of mine what he had for Christmas. He told me that he didn't receive much in the way of presents, as he and his wife had just forked out £600 for a boxer dog. 

What a waste of money! Why didn't he go down to the local pound and pick up any unwanted dog for free, take it home and hit it in the face with a frying pan?