Monday, 29 October 2012


I love conspiracy theorists. Those crazy deluded fools that struggle to grasp reality. I've heard some classics over the years, but there are always a couple that stand out and truly gain mad as a box of frogs status.

Firstly, there is the notion that the moon landings were fake. I cannot deny that Hollywood have turned out some quite outstanding sci-fi blockbusters over the years. However, it wasn't until the advent of Star Wars in 1977 that anything convincing was created in the way of special effects. This suggests that the technology did not exist at the supposed time of the moon landings to create a convincing film of a faked landing. However, if you need a more simplistic reason to dismiss this conspiracy, just check out the number of people involved. If President Clinton was unable to conceal his indiscretions with all the security at his disposal, then surely if the moon landings were faked, someone at NASA would have been cashing in by blowing the whistle long ago.

The other favourite of mine is the totally bonkers theory that the Queen and Prince Philip had Diana bumped off in a car crash in Paris. I'm sure with the kind of wealth the Queen has at her disposal, if she wanted someone bumped off, it could be done in a slightly more creative fashion. Although personally I can't see what would be wrong with a good old fashioned beheading!

However, the reality of the situation is slightly more obvious. Anyone that has ever been to Paris would have frequently witnessed greasy haired scum on motor scooters pursuing and and harassing attractive women. Often their garlic breath alone is enough of a distraction to cause an accident.
If you are determined to ponder one of life's great mysteries, Cast your cognitive prowess over this little gem.

Have you ever considered why white dog muck disappeared from our streets at roughly the same time as Spangles disappeared from our sweet shop shelves!

Monday, 22 October 2012

Riding Along On The Crest Of A Wave

In the good old days we were able to shove kids up chimneys and involve them in other character building activities. Then the dogooders got involved and the streets were once again awash with the wretched urchins.

Fortunately, in 1908, a well known pervert took time out from thumbing through his collection of pictures of naked boys, and started the Scouting movement.
In 1949, scouts were introduced to the first Bob a Job Week. Once again small boys could be exploited for a mere pittance.
In 1970, the Scout movement decided to cash in on the exploitation of child labour, and Bob a Job Week became Scout Job Week. Thus the price of temporarily enslaving children was inflated dramatically. Despite this slight setback, child abuse was still value for money.

Ironically, it was the fear of sexual deviants that brought this practise to an end. Nowadays, scouts are able to return to the more wholesome activities, such as tying each other up and singing about their Ging Gang Goolies!

Wednesday, 17 October 2012


According to Rentokill, the best bait for a mousetrap is not cheese but chocolate. I beg to differ. The best bait for a mouse trap is actually laxative chocolate. Should the cunning vermin manage to remove the bait without springing the trap, the game isn't necessarily over. You can simply track your unfortunate foe by following the unholy trail until you stumble upon your prey, who by this time will probably be bent double with eyes bulging, begging for you to end it.
At this point, I favour a shovel as my chosen weapon of mass destruction.

Friday, 12 October 2012

The Party's Over

Every weekend, somewhere in the world, there is an unpopular kid at school, college or university that has a brilliant idea that they believe will elevate them to legend status. That idea is a party!

Unfortunately, others attending the party have a slightly differing view of how the proceedings and outcomes will manifest themselves throughout what can only be described as a long night of carnage.
As the casualties mount and the house decreases in value at an alarming rate, the poor disillusioned soul can only watch as their entire world appears to come to an end.
If you happen to be witnessing one such event, and you have the slightest scrap of compassion, then you know it is your duty to bring the proceedings to an end. Although that is easier said than done. Nobody is usually very keen to leave whilst the destruction is still in full flow. So a cunning plan is required.

An easy option would be to call the police. The police have quite a successful track record for breaking up parties. However, if you happen to be identified as the one who called the police, your own social standing is likely to take a knock.
I like to bring the festivities to a close in a slightly more dramatic fashion. Simply take a few tins of cat food. Chuck them in the oven. Crank up the oven to its highest setting, then evacuate the kitchen.
Nothing says a party is over like Whiskers Nagasaki!

Wednesday, 10 October 2012


It comes as no surprise that JJB had to call in the administrators. Although rumour has it, they are still thriving in Liverpool.

Sunday, 7 October 2012


I've been asked why I feel it necessary to poke fat people with pointy sticks. Well there are three reasons why I both support and partake in this activity. Firstly, herding fat people down the street with a pointy stick might encourage the chunky salad dodgers to do something about their predicament. Secondly, it provides the lard lovers with some much needed exercise. However, the third and most important reason for doing so, is that it is just so much fun for us normal people!

Thursday, 4 October 2012

Child care Issues

How many labour hours are lost each year due to lazy or irresponsible parents claiming they have child care issues? Surely employers aren't still falling for that old chestnut. One swift call to Childline, and they'll take those troublesome kids off your hands quicker than you can say Jimmy Saville.

Rumour has it, they will even take ginger kids!

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Who said that?

When a blind person has a near death experience, does their whole life flash before their ears?