Saturday, 29 September 2012

For Sale!

The economy is in a bad way. Apparently we are going through a Double Dip Recession (calm down Fatty, that doesn't mean you get twice as much chocolate!). Consequently, we are all looking for ways to make our meagre earnings stretch a little further. I thought I would save a few pennies by supplementing my diet with a bit of roadkill. It provides a abundance of flavours and textures, and more traditional recipes are easily adapted to accommodate your cut price carrion.

I have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised at the gastronomical delights I was able to conjure up. Roadkill will definitely be a regular part of my diet from now on. It also provides a few extra financial fringe benefits. Does anybody want to buy a backpack?

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Monday, 24 September 2012

Snow Leopard

Apparantly, if I don't give two pounds a month, I may never see one of these magnificent creatures in the wild again. Do these people actually know how dangerous a Snow Leopard is? I certainly don't want to bump into one of these whilst I'm out and about.

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Past Lessons

How often do we hear the older generations harking back to their youth and championing the benefits of National Service. Now I'm not saying that I can't see some of the advantages of reintroducing National Service, but I don't think it goes far enough.
How about the reintroduction of the Work House? I've seen Oliver. Not a fat kid in sight, and they were clearly having the time of their lives. After all, they sang such lovely songs!
It would also create some employment opportunities long thought to be extinct. Who wouldn't want to be a Beadle? It Looks great fun!

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Simply The Best!

Slim Fast has got to be the best diet product on the market. It only takes about ten seconds to drink, thus allowing the big fat waddling lard lovers to get back to work and burn off some of those calories.

Wednesday, 19 September 2012


If you went to school in the 60s, 70s or even the 80s, in you class you would probably have had one fat kid, one asthmatic and one kid with hay fever. Nowadays, schools are rife with fat kids, asthmatics and allergies to just about everything under the sun. Where did all these allergies suddenly come from?
One of the more commonly identified allergies, is a nut allergy. However, the nut that usually gets their knickers (or sometimes their windpipe) in a twist, is the peanut. It is a known fact that a peanut is not a nut, but actually a legume. Armed with this fact, how would I stand in court should I choose to force feed a person claiming to have a nut allergy a bag of M&Ms?

I'm actually allergic to sticking my testicles in a George Forman Grill. It makes them all red and blistery. Although they do remain remarkably low in fat! I do try my best to avoid this activity.

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

A Fishy Tail

A new season of Strictly Come Dancing has kicked off on our screens. So far, it has been hammering X Factor in the TV ratings. Personally, I can't watch it. All of those sequins remind me of fish scales and I'm still haunted by the Cod War.

The Olympic Dream

The Olympics have come and gone once more. Who would have thought that we would pull it off with only a few minor embarrassments. Okay, so we managed to raise the wrong nation's flag once, and we let an over excited nutter march around the track with the Indian team during the opening ceremony. All in all though, it went off better than expected.
New champions emerged, cheered on by fanatical supporters.

Whilst for others, life long dreams were shattered.
Unfortunately, there were some nations that once again failed to grasp the Olympic spirit and once again let themselves down. The German official giving the Nazi salute at the opening ceremony did not go unnoticed. At least they weren't as offensive as they were in Beijing!

Monday, 17 September 2012


Cyptozooligists spend their lives in pursuit of creatures that the general population consider to be mythical. Very occasionally, a new weird creature is discovered. Usually on a night out in Stoke, or wandering the Shropshire countryside.
Certain mythical creatures hold almost Holy Grail status, due to their history and notoriety. Consequently, pranksters are queueing up to make fools of the cryptozoologists by providing fake evidence of the creatures' existence. One of the more renowned incidents took the form of the infamous Surgeon's Photo. For years, this photograph of a toy submarine with a plasticine appendage was taken as proof of the existence of the Loch Ness Monster. It certainly had me fooled. For years I thought it was a photograph of an elephant swimming backstroke, holding his kebab aloft to keep it dry!
If the Loch Ness Monster is the Holy Grail of cryptozoology, the Sasquatch is the Ark Of The Covenant. Notice how I refer to this creature as Sasquatch. If this creature is to be tempted out of seclusion into mainstream society, calling him names is probably not going to help. Constantly referring to him as Bigfoot or The Abominable Snowman could seriously undermine his self-esteem and is unlikely to encourage him to join the party.


Saturday, 15 September 2012

Return To Sender

I bought a mail order bride, but I had to send her back. All the instructions were in Thai.

Who Says?

I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly! I was poking one with a stick earlier, and they didn't laugh once!

The Importance Of Play

Much is made of the demise of today's youth. Hours are idled away in front of a screen. Exercise and diet are neglected with inevitable results.

In the past, children spent much of their free time playing outside, bonding with their peers, developing their creative talents and getting some much needed exercise. Do you remember the days of rosy faced children chuckling with glee at a good old game of Knock Down Ginger? Always a great favourite when played with a tank.

Until as recently as twenty years ago, the most played with toy was in fact a stick. A stick that cost nothing and was in return so versatile. The uses knew no bounds. How we could shape today's youth for the better (and lets face it, the shape most of them are in today isn't pretty) by returning to the use of the stick. Now I know there are those that might be under the impression that the suggestion of beating children is about to be made, but nothing could be further from the truth. How about using sticks to stake them out over ants nests after giving them a liberal coating in honey? Or if wood is in an abundance in your local, why not try a good old fashioned burning at the stake? It certainly put an end to Joan Of Arc's nonsense.

A Word Of Warning!

Please don't read any further if you lack a sense of humour, are easily
offended or are a bit of a twat!