Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Guide Dogs For The Blind

A common theme often arises when discussing Guide Dogs for the Blind or Seeing Eye Dogs as they are sometimes called, and that is the question of who cleans up after it defecates.

With this in mind, I sometimes think that the blind are missing out on some good fun. What could be more fun than giving a Guide Dog a big turkey dinner laced with laxatives and then taking it shopping.
One of the advantages that the blind possess is that their other senses are heightened. A keen sense of smell can add to their delight. Whilst walking their anally distressed mutt through a pristine store, the whimsical handler's sense of smell should alert them to the presence of the canine's deposits. This allows them to step in it and walk it through the store. I would be curious to see how long it would be before somebody had the nerve to challenge a blind person.


Saturday, 22 June 2013


Gary Glitter is one of Britain's most notorious paedophiles. Consequently, none of his hits can be heard on the radio today.
Jonathan King went to prison for his perverted crimes. He likewise can no longer be heard on the radio.
Rolf Harris did Two Little Boys back in 1969 and is also facing charges for sex crimes. Once again, his songs are now banned from our airways.
Which brings us to Michael Jackson. Michael's music is frequently played on the radio. His videos grace a wide variety of music channels. At his funeral, he was all but celebrated as a saint.
It just goes to show the power of persuasion a well choreographed dance routine has on the general public.
Louie Spence must be thinking he can get away with anything!

Saturday, 15 June 2013

Bearded Lady

We all enjoy a good chortle at a bearded lady. Even the most boring committee meeting, political party conference or even a funeral of a close family member can be brightened up by the sight of a hirsute woman.
Now you might be thinking that this is a rather bold statement, but it is not without historical precedent according to the barking mad Catholics. If this collection of ageing paedophiles are to be believed, it is actually possible to combine both a family funeral with a circus freak, such as a bearded woman.

Consider the story of St. Wilgefortis. Her father had promised her hand in marriage to a pagan king. For most teenagers this would present itself as a golden opportunity to both rebel against social norms, whilst gaining notoriety and status. The youth of today are reduced to exposing themselves on reality shows in order to gain such distinction.

However, the ungrateful Wilgefortis had taken a pledge of celibacy. Consequently, she prayed to God, that he might deliver her from her perceived ordeal. According to the Catholics, God answered her prayers by allowing her to grow a beard. The pagan king swiftly lost interest and the forthcoming nuptials were called off. Unfortunately, her father was not impressed and had her crucified.

Many urban legends, fables and myths are actually just the result of genuine events that have been embellished over the years. The tale of St. Wilgefortis probably started life as the execution of a deluded cross dresser.

Monday, 10 June 2013

Fighting Squirrels

Once upon a time red squirrels ruled the trees of England. Then some genius had the bright idea to introduce grey squirrels (For all Americans reading this, that is the correct spelling of Grey). This resulted in the red squirrels getting a bit of a kicking. Consequently, few red squirrels remain in England.
On a trip to Canada, I noticed they had black squirrels. Now I have no idea how hard black squirrels are, but I'm keen to find out. Imagine the possibilities. Would the red squirrels welcome the new black squirrels and team up with them to fight back? Would the black squirrels be tough enough to overthrow the present reigning squirrel fighting champions alone. Leading to a potential new oppressor of squirrel kind.? Will the black squirrels fight the grey squirrels to a standstill, allowing for the red squirrels to make a timely comeback to reclaim the throne. The possibilities are endless.

Saturday, 8 June 2013

Corrie Ten Boom

As an avid reader, I enjoy a good book. Consequently people frequently lend me books in the belief that I will be inspired by their contents. One such book I was recently lent was The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom. I'm yet to read it, but I understand it is the story of a Dutch girl and her sister that get arrested by the nazis for hiding Jews. They are detained in a concentration camp where they maintain their faith in God with the help of a hidden Bible.

Quite a remarkable story. However, I do have my concerns. Concentration camp inmates were frequently strip searched by guards looking for valuables. Bibles are generally fairly large. Even a pocket sized bible would easily be spotted during one of these searches. So where did they hide in when they were naked?

I think perhaps the title should be changed. Certain parts of the human anatomy do not need attention drawn to them!

Sunday, 2 June 2013

Taking A Dip!

After the coldest Spring in living memory, Summer is finally here. This has taken us a little by surprise. Consequently, an abundance of long forgot activities are have returned to enrich our lives.
Swimming to many has become a distant memory. Consequently, swimming pool etiquette is often found wanting as I discovered to my shame. It is widely accepted that people frequently urinate in swimming pools. However, nobody told me that I couldn't stand on the side to do it.