Wednesday, 3 August 2016

Run Fat Boy Run

Once again the Olympics are almost upon us. The fastest, strongest and fittest from around the globe will compete in front of a television audience of millions. Then, following the completion of the Olympic games comes the Paralympics. Once again awesome physical feats will be on display to a large, but greatly reduced television audience.

One of the greatest challenges facing the organisers of the paralympics is the creating of a level playing field for all the different levels of disability. As more and more minority groups claim their phobias, quirks and allergies are disabilities, so the list of events is expanded. Obesity alone offers all manner of entertaining new events.
However, a little bit of forward thinking would assist in the smooth running of the programme of events. May I suggest staging the  OCD100 meters straight after the 100 meters for the incontinent.

Thursday, 26 February 2015

Dog Walking

If you own a dog, you need to walk it. Some people find this therapeutic, some people find it a chore. Either way, there is one aspect of dog walking that nobody likes. That is cleaning up the steaming presents that your canine pal leaves along our highways and byways.
This need not be the case. Horse owners are not expected to clean up after their horse. So, when walking your dog, don a pair of thick comical glasses and put a saddle on your dog. Let it crap where it will, and if anyone says anything, just claim that you thought you bought a Shetland pony.

Thursday, 12 February 2015


It comes as no surprise that we have earned the tag Broken Britain. We never seem to finish anything. Whether it be building projects, road improvements or even wars, we just don't see the job through to the end.
I've spent much of the last week finishing off half painted cows,

Monday, 26 January 2015


It always amazes me the extent to which brothers can differ. Just look at the Goering Brothers. Herman was a Nazi war criminal, whilst his brother Albert was a true humanitarian, who used his influence to save the lives of Jews during the holocaust.
This is not a one off example. Even today brothers can be polar opposites. 
Dave Lee Travis, known by the initials DLT is a known sex offender. Whilst his brother Bacon, proved to be such a nice chap that he had a sandwich named after him.

Thursday, 15 January 2015


Why do so many girls feel the need to take Selfies when they go to the toilet?

My mate Harry walked in on his Granny on the toilet the other day. Due to her age, she is not really up to speed with modern technology. Not wanting the old girl to miss out, he took one for her.

Sunday, 4 January 2015


According to Woburn Safari Park, sea lions are faster than humans both on land and in water.
So if you're thinking of taking one on in a triathlon, it would probably be in your best interest to work on your cycling.

Wednesday, 24 December 2014

Christmas Television

Once again Christmas is upon us. On the big day, countless folk around our great nation will be tucking into a turkey dinner, accompanied by an abundance of booze. They will then settle down as a family in front of the television to feast on a vast array of audio visual delights with a seasonal twist.
Unfortunately, it has all become a little predictable. The will be The Vicar of Dibley Christmas Special, where we get to see the big fat female vicar munch her way through numerous Christmas dinners in an attempt not to disappoint any of her parishioners. Then there will by the Morecambe and Wise Christmas Special and the Two Ronnies Christmas Special, where we get to laugh at old 1970s sexiest jokes whilst proclaiming them timeless classics!
Staying with the theme of Timeless Classics, there is always the Top of the Pops Christmas Special. Where we get to sing along to all those tunes that we have been pelted with endlessly since the beginning of December.
There will be a Call the Midwife Christmas Special, where poverty tugs at our heart strings, before being replaced by a nice inner warmth when a new life in brought into the world and some nuns sing some lovely Christmas carols.
Downton Abbey Christmas Special gives us a glimpse of how rich people enjoyed Christmas 100 years ago at the expense of the poor.
However, despite all these festive offerings, I can't help feeling that the television producers are missing a trick.
How great would The Walking Dead Christmas Special be? I can picture the scene. A small group of survivors trapped on the roof of a tower block. Ammunition is low. food supplies are down to their last squirrel. The zombies are making their way onto the roof. There is no way down and nowhere to hide. Our weary group of survivors ready themselves for what looks like their last battle to the death. 
When all looks lost, the sound of sleigh bells raise eyes skywards. Can it be? Yes it is! It's Santa to the rescue. A couple of heavily armed elves spray bullets at the advancing undead hoard, Whilst Donner and Blitzen do a River Dance on zombie skulls, spreading brains and eyeballs across the snow covered roof. Our heroes are saved. To add to their joy, Daryl Dixon puts a crossbow bolt through the neck of Dasher, so it's reindeer for Christmas dinner.
Who wouldn't want to watch that? It would certainly brighten up my Christmas day!