Wednesday, 27 November 2013

Richard III

The legal battle over the reburial of Richard III is still raging. A variety of towns and cities throughout England have a legitimate claim to his bones.

Personally, I think the issue under discussion should not be where he is buried, but rather how he should be buried. Our economy is on it's knees. Surely we should be viewing this as a chance for financial gain. The Royal family are responsible for hoards of tourists visiting our shores and bolstering our economy with their spending. So let's capitalise on this golden opportunity.

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Chrstmas Shopping

The Christmas adverts are in full swing. So I have decided to make inroads into my Christmas shopping this year before the annual mayhem ensues.
An early start buys you time, but the same difficult decisions need to be made. Finding the right gift for a little known Aunt is never straight forward. Fortunately, there is always the Bodyshop. Assortments of unusual smelling products are neatly boxed and presented at a wide range of prices, providing you with plenty of scope. Your contributions may even save an otter or help maintain the habitat for a rare dung beetle, thus providing you with an additional feel good factor.
The Bodyshop are thoughtful enough to place sample testers on their shelves, allowing you try the products prior to making a purchase. Consequently, I selected a bottle that contained a cream containing ingredients from some remote rain forest and squirted it into my hand. Unfortunately, considerably more than I anticipated came out, leaving me with a handful of sticky lotion.
Disposal of the aforementioned goo provided me with quite a quandary. However, at that precise moment, my luck changed for the better. A big fat pie pig entered the shop. Probably seeking out a miracle odour masking product, or maybe he just took the wrong turning whilst looking for a Greggs outlet. Either way, it was a godsend to me. I had already made up my mind that I would dispose of the lotion by casually wiping it on other shoppers. The good thing about fatties, is that they provide so much more surface area.

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

Dragons' Den 2

Not content with my Penguin shoes idea, I have another great money spinner to pitch to the panel on Dragons' Den.
Medical science has no cure for the common cold. The only option is to treat the symptoms in an attempt to reduce discomfort. The treatments are limited, with varying levels of success. Most people can cope with a cold, but find it may act as an unwanted distraction to daily life. This distraction is usually the result of the production of copious amounts of mucus.
Using similar technology as the Stadium Pal and Stadium Gal, why not produce a Nasal Colostomy. This would allow you to go about your business without the unwanted slug trails. I already have a target market in mind.
Truckers are not the best at multitasking. Even the average sober lorry driver in rude health is more than capable of causing chaos on our highways and byways, due to their excessively low IQ.
Add to this their existing distractions of searching out dogging sites on their SatNav, arranging appointments at the clinic to sort out the symptoms of their sexual indiscretions, formulating convincing lies for their wives, whilst seeking out secluded spots to dump the bodies of hitch hikers and hookers that they may have murdered along the way.
The addition of a heavy cold to this already heady collection of distractions and you have a recipe for disaster. However, the application of the Nasal Colostomy could well turn out to be a life saver, although not for the unfortunate hitch hikers and hookers!

Wednesday, 6 November 2013


Movember is upon us once again. A chance to sport facial hair with a ready made excuse.
It's an event I not only embrace, but truly appreciate. In a time of economic hardship, I can save a pretty penny on shaving materials and an abundance of time that would otherwise be expended on a joyless task.
Now all I need to do is find an circumstance that requires me not needing to wash for a month. They appear to have such an event in France, and they manage to keep it up all year.