Thursday, 28 March 2013


Once again, Easter is almost upon us. However, before the big day, we have to complete Lent and endure Good Friday. Although for the life of me, I cannot fathom out what is supposed to be so good about it. It certainly wasn't good for the Jews. As the day marks the start of 2,000 years of persecution. Likewise, Jesus didn't have one of his better days. It wasn't even a good day for the Romans, as they had to work.

Nowadays, Good Friday is a much more palatable affair. Not only is it a national holiday, but we get to eat hot cross buns. Plus we also get to watch Ben-Hur on television.
The holiday period reaches it's climax with Easter Sunday. We celebrate this day with rabbit and chicken imagery, and the salad dodgers' favourites, chocolate eggs.
Unfortunately, there are always villains eager to take advantage of the festivities to satisfy their own evil ends. It has come to my attention, that throughout the period of Lent, catholic priests wear vestments of the same colour as Cadbury Dairy Milk wrappers. A colour easily identified with chocolate to any child in the country. Hence the grooming begins.
Catholic priests, fluffy bunnies and chocolate. Some naïve fat catholic boys might soon find lettuce slightly more appealing in the days to come.

Sunday, 24 March 2013

The Tooth Fairy

For generations, parents have been spinning yarns to their offspring in an attempt to encourage positive behaviour or sugar coat some of life's more unpleasant events. Be it Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. The motive for doing so might well be honourable, but the long term harm maybe immense.

Little thought is given as to what lessons might be gleaned from these white lies. If a set amount of financial gain is possible in exchange for a tooth, how much greater would the remunerations be for other organs? Before you know it, kidneys are being sold on eBay.

Such enterprise also courts the more unscrupulous element of society. Money can change hands on the promise that certain body parts will do likewise at a later date. Failure to deliver at the required time may prove to have unpleasant consequences.
 You also wouldn't want to be at home when the Anal Virginity Ogre calls!

Following the Chancellor's recent budget, I'm suggesting that the going rate for a tooth for the Tooth Fairy be lowered to two pence with any rise being capped at 1% until 2016.

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

The Budget

It's that time of year when the corrupt officials that are badly running our country make their annual announcement as to how they are going to redistribute the nation's wealth over the coming year. Obviously, this involves lining the pockets of the rich with the meagre pickings taken from the poor.

Chancellor George Osborne kept with tradition and posed for the customary photograph, holding up a red briefcase containing his Budget speech. This is an important tradition portraying a historic precedent. It's a symbolic statement. It says I've crapped in a bag, and you're all going to eat it!

Friday, 15 March 2013

Viva il Papa

The old Nazi has been put out to pasture, and a new Pope has been elected. We can only speculate as to which virtues were deemed desirable to make a good Pope, but the votes have been cast and counted leaving Pope Francis the victor. Many other worthy candidates fell by the wayside.

So what do we know about the new Pope. Apparently, when he was 12, he proposed marriage to Amalia Damonte, who was also 12. According to Amalia, the young future Pope stated that if she would not marry him he would become a priest. possibly because that way he could continue to pursue 12 year olds.

That is a little unfair. In electing Pope Francis, the Catholic church has made great strides to stamp out their prevalent child abuse tag. Pope Francis only has one lung, so most kids should be able to out run him.
I know it's their church, and their Pope, so the catholics can nominate and vote for whoever they like, but did they have to elect an Argentinian? The last one was a German. Will the next one be Iraqi or Afghan?

Wednesday, 13 March 2013


When I was at school, every class had its token fat kid. When we left school we sought gainful employment competing with the other school leavers for those jobs available.
Nowadays, every school class is loaded with fat kids. Likewise, they seek gainful employment on completion of their studies. Unfortunately for them, opportunities are limited for fat people. I accept that that some vacancies do exist for circus freaks. There are also the occasional slots on reality shows, so that there are enough funny bloopers for the condensed highlight shows. They also make the pretty people look better by comparison.
There isn't much else they can do with there limited ability to move and poor sick records. It comes as no surprise that the unemployment rates are rising. What else can they do?
More fat people = Increased unemployment


Monday, 11 March 2013

The Middle East Crisis

Every now and again some self proclaimed genius declares that they are going to tackle the Middle East Crisis with a view to bringing everlasting peace to the region. This is usually inspired by thoughts of a Nobel Peace Prize. As yet, none have been successful at bringing peace to the region, although the Nobel Peace Prizes have been a little more accessible.

Now I'm not claiming to have all the answers to this rather tricky conundrum, but I do have a few suggestions that might give things a gentle shove in the right direction. No matter from what angle the potential peace process is approached, it is almost unanimously agreed that little headway will be made without a softening of hearts.

Fair enough, I can accept this. In doing so, an old adage springs to mind. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. If the relevant leaders in conflict could all sit down together and share a nice meal, then perhaps a few barriers might begin to crumble. Unfortunately, differing religions follow differing dietary laws which once again bring them into conflict.
However progress is already being made in this area. The Muslims have already named their dietary laws after an Israeli Airline. I believe the Jews should make the next move. Perhaps a little dabble with semantics and another step closer to peace can be achieved. How about renaming hot cross buns as infidel buns. Suddenly they become acceptable to the Jews. Then the Jews and Christians can sit down together and enjoy a nice cup of coffee and a sticky bun. What could be more peaceful than that?
No matter what they think they're eating, you know somebody will be feeding them all horses eventually anyway!

Thursday, 7 March 2013


A couple of days ago, a man dressed as Batman, accompanied his friend, who was wanted by the Police to the police station in Bradford to hand himself in. News of this event spread around the world following a report on the BBC. People actually believed that the criminal had been arrested by the wannabe superhero. 
He did it for a laugh. However, with the present government continuously making cuts to the police force in a futile attempt to save money, criminals must be licking their lips at the prospects and opportunities that will surely present themselves in the absence of police on our streets. Consequently, this situation also presents new opportunities for vigilantes and would be superheroes.
Unfortunately, our bulging population does not lend itself the the usual image that most people have of superheroes. I did consider giving it a go myself, following an unfortunate incident where I got bitten by a radioactive rat. I didn't really gain any super powers, but I did lose the ability to vomit, and I now tend to stay very close to buildings whenever I go around corners!

Tuesday, 5 March 2013


The Defence Secretary ( I bet he can't even type!) announced today that due to further defence cuts, he intends to bring 16,000 troops stationed in Germany back home. This puts us in rather a precarious position. How long will it be before the Krauts start thinking third time lucky!
It's bad enough that we already have to share an aircraft carrier with the French. History suggests that they aren't the most reliable of allies.
Their lack of enthusiasm in a brawl is a concern, but there are other issues that the aforementioned partnership raises. Which nation has control of the galley? The French have very different ideas as to what constitutes a palatable dish. They eat horses (by choice), frogs and snails. Pretty much anything that can be found dead in a pond on drainage ditch.

I would like to take a few liberties with French cuisine. Do you think that if the dishes were presented in the correct manner, the French would be able to tell the difference between frogs and toads, horse and zebra, or even slugs and snails?