Wednesday, 25 December 2013

Best Christmas Present Ever!

Choosing the right Christmas presents is never easy. As a consequence of this, most people end up with one or two gifts they would prefer to do without. However, every now and again, your loved ones get it spot on.

This year I received hair straighteners. Being follicly challenged, most people would probably consider this a rather inappropriate gift. However, it is awesome for cooking bacon, and turns out a lovely panini. 

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

The Romanians Are Coming!

The advent of the new year will be greeted by hoards of Romanians heading to our shores. Many of the population await their coming with fear and dread. However, I will be welcoming them with open arms.
Romania has a stray dog problem. Thousands of rabid canines roam their streets. However, one creative chap promised to solve his town's dog problem if he was to be elected mayor. Consequently, he was duly elected. The man was true to his word. On being elected, he proceeded to feed all of the town's stray dogs to the lions in the local zoo.

That kind of forward thinking is welcome. Although I would take it a bit further. We could thoroughly cleanse are streets by disposing of the junkies, drug pushers and chav scum that make many areas of our green and pleasant land a living hell for the local residents. With that lot out of the way there will be a few more quid available to the good honest folk.

Sunday, 15 December 2013

Good Manners

How did Germany and Japan ever becomes allies during the World War 2? The Japanese are usually so polite........... the Germans, not so!

Monday, 9 December 2013

Victorian Christmas Fayre

I recently visited one of the ever popular Victorian Christmas Fayres. Many traders were getting into the spirit of occasion by dressing in historical costumes, whilst Eastern Europeans joined in by picking a pocket or two.
The first thing that became abundantly clear, besides the fact that roast conkers make a poor substitute for roast chestnuts, was that traders felt it appropriate to treble the prices of wares if the vendor wore a top hat.
However, the quandary presented by the array of homemade products had a far greater impact in the following days. It turns out that it is virtually impossible to tell the difference between homemade fudge and homemade soap!

Friday, 6 December 2013


The Muppets never seem to appear on our television screens these days. Could be that we've hunted them to extinction?

Wednesday, 27 November 2013

Richard III

The legal battle over the reburial of Richard III is still raging. A variety of towns and cities throughout England have a legitimate claim to his bones.

Personally, I think the issue under discussion should not be where he is buried, but rather how he should be buried. Our economy is on it's knees. Surely we should be viewing this as a chance for financial gain. The Royal family are responsible for hoards of tourists visiting our shores and bolstering our economy with their spending. So let's capitalise on this golden opportunity.

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Chrstmas Shopping

The Christmas adverts are in full swing. So I have decided to make inroads into my Christmas shopping this year before the annual mayhem ensues.
An early start buys you time, but the same difficult decisions need to be made. Finding the right gift for a little known Aunt is never straight forward. Fortunately, there is always the Bodyshop. Assortments of unusual smelling products are neatly boxed and presented at a wide range of prices, providing you with plenty of scope. Your contributions may even save an otter or help maintain the habitat for a rare dung beetle, thus providing you with an additional feel good factor.
The Bodyshop are thoughtful enough to place sample testers on their shelves, allowing you try the products prior to making a purchase. Consequently, I selected a bottle that contained a cream containing ingredients from some remote rain forest and squirted it into my hand. Unfortunately, considerably more than I anticipated came out, leaving me with a handful of sticky lotion.
Disposal of the aforementioned goo provided me with quite a quandary. However, at that precise moment, my luck changed for the better. A big fat pie pig entered the shop. Probably seeking out a miracle odour masking product, or maybe he just took the wrong turning whilst looking for a Greggs outlet. Either way, it was a godsend to me. I had already made up my mind that I would dispose of the lotion by casually wiping it on other shoppers. The good thing about fatties, is that they provide so much more surface area.

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

Dragons' Den 2

Not content with my Penguin shoes idea, I have another great money spinner to pitch to the panel on Dragons' Den.
Medical science has no cure for the common cold. The only option is to treat the symptoms in an attempt to reduce discomfort. The treatments are limited, with varying levels of success. Most people can cope with a cold, but find it may act as an unwanted distraction to daily life. This distraction is usually the result of the production of copious amounts of mucus.
Using similar technology as the Stadium Pal and Stadium Gal, why not produce a Nasal Colostomy. This would allow you to go about your business without the unwanted slug trails. I already have a target market in mind.
Truckers are not the best at multitasking. Even the average sober lorry driver in rude health is more than capable of causing chaos on our highways and byways, due to their excessively low IQ.
Add to this their existing distractions of searching out dogging sites on their SatNav, arranging appointments at the clinic to sort out the symptoms of their sexual indiscretions, formulating convincing lies for their wives, whilst seeking out secluded spots to dump the bodies of hitch hikers and hookers that they may have murdered along the way.
The addition of a heavy cold to this already heady collection of distractions and you have a recipe for disaster. However, the application of the Nasal Colostomy could well turn out to be a life saver, although not for the unfortunate hitch hikers and hookers!

Wednesday, 6 November 2013


Movember is upon us once again. A chance to sport facial hair with a ready made excuse.
It's an event I not only embrace, but truly appreciate. In a time of economic hardship, I can save a pretty penny on shaving materials and an abundance of time that would otherwise be expended on a joyless task.
Now all I need to do is find an circumstance that requires me not needing to wash for a month. They appear to have such an event in France, and they manage to keep it up all year.

Thursday, 31 October 2013

Trick Or Treat

Halloween is upon us once again. A time when children joyfully get dressed up in all manner of costumes and go door to door in an attempt to achieve a sugar induced coma.
I always go the extra mile to make sure my household is stocked to accommodate their demands. Nothing says Halloween more than a nice homemade Toffee Onion. Both a trick and a treat!

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Economic Migration

Economic migration is nothing new. For centuries, people have upped sticks and gone in search of greater financial opportunities in foreign lands. You can't blame people for trying to better themselves.
However, before making the move, it is important to research the particular market you intend to compete in. Success is often dependent on the laws of supply and demand.
Much has been made in the news lately about an unscrupulous group of entrepreneurs that have been shipping prostitutes from Brazil to Africa. I don't claim to be an expert on in this particular market, but I would have thought Africa has enough prostitutes of there own, without importing any additional ladies of the night.
Isn't that a bit like shipping fat people to America, or rude people to Germany!

Friday, 25 October 2013

Mad Max Factor

Scientists often claim that the one thing that will survive a nuclear apocalypse is the cockroach. They are hardy creatures and I don't dispute this. However, they will not stand alone as the only surviving remnant of the past. If the likes of Mad Max, Doomsday and Cyborg have taught us anything, it is that peroxide and extreme cosmetics will also pass through a major catastrophe unharmed.

Wednesday, 16 October 2013


I have often been accused of being unnecessarily cruel to fat and obese people. However, I do feel they have a valued place in our society.
The fat have a significant impact on the property market. Their humongous bulk affects the supply and demand of houses. Much like Daleks, they are unable to negotiate stairs, thus restricting them to the bungalow market. This reduces the demand for multi-storey accommodation. Which in turn lowers house prices for normal people.

Friday, 11 October 2013

Endangered Species

The Slow Loris appears on the IUCN Red List as an endangered species. An all to familiar story. Throughout history, numerous species have become extinct. This is nothing new.

The Dodo became extinct because it was a docile tasty bird that could not fly. Thus providing mankind with a handy snack in the absence of fast food restaurants.

Animal rights activists would have you believe that this was a bad thing. However, nature evolves to allow new animals to flourish in the absence of others. Had they been present at the time, would they have been campaigning for the survival of the velociraptor? Surely the existence of mankind is also part of nature's rich tapestry.

So back to the Slow Loris. Perhaps it is part of the grand design that they should also fall by the wayside. I think the clue is in the name. There is no Fast Loris on the IUCN Red List.

Friday, 4 October 2013

Dragons' Den

I love the television programme Dragons' Den. It never ceases to amaze me, some of the crack pot ideas that people come up with in a futile attempt to gain wealth and glory. Be it crash helmets for cats or shopping trolleys with headlights, there is always some lunatic seeking a fortune against the odds. Long may it continue.

I'm not short of the odd idea myself. Consequently, here's one I would like to pitch. Have you ever noticed that penguins never seem to suffer from cold feet, despite walking around on ice all day? Forget about thermal insoles. How about penguin shoes? Penguins come in all shapes and sizes, from little Rock Hopper penguins to the much larger Emperor penguins. No matter what your shoe size, there is a penguin to fit.

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

House Prices

I really feel for first time house buyers. Despite house prices staying static for some time before the present rise, getting onto the property ladder is beyond the means of many young people. Even a couple with a dual income struggle to get a mortgage.
Unscrupulous Estate Agents take a large slice of meagre savings. Likewise, solicitors and surveyors are quick to follow suit. Consequently, little is left to lay down a deposit.
Perhaps the solution to this quandary lies in the initial search for a suitable premises. Instead of scanning the windows of Estate Agents, checking websites and thumbing through the property pages of newspapers, try checking the news. The homes of serial killers and the scenes of murders and suicides are always difficult to shift, even for the most cutthroat estate agent. For the sake of a bit of scrubbing and some disinfectant, you can grab yourself a bargain.