Starfish

How great are starfish? These fun packed echinoderms are nature's very own ninja throwing stars.

Lidl

Shopping in Lidl has always proved itself a mystery to me. They sell deodorant, yet none of their customers ever seem to wear it.

Badgers

I see the farmers are up in arms again. They claim to have witnessed an increase in tuberculosis amongst their cattle. This they blame on the activities of badgers. I'm not sure what the badgers have been doing with their cattle, but apparently they are to blame. The farmers want action. They are demanding a cull of badgers.

Tuberculosis is also becoming an urban problem once again. After years off the radar, it is back, battering the lungs of our youth. They were spared vaccination due to the arrogance of our authorities, who believed that tuberculosis had been eradicated from our society. However, immigrants from the Indian Subcontinent and Eastern Europe have reintroduced this bacteria spread disease.

So how do they propose we deal with this outbreak? I don't like the way this is going. Before you know it, some overexcited Austrian will be trumpeting some rather extreme measures!

Atomic Kitten

I can't believe Atomic kitten have reformed. Who would have thought there was a market for Slapper Pop! Whenever Atomic Kitten appear on television or in the tabloids, I can't help thinking that somewhere in the North of England there is a pimp that has been stripped of his assets.

 

                                 

Remember You're A Womble

Ever since the Jimmy Savile scandal broke, stars from the 1970s have been queueing up to join the Stuart Hall of Shame. Rolf Harris, Jim Davidson, Dave Lee Travis, Bill Roache and now jimmy Tarbuck, to name a few. Who will be the next ageing star to be named and shamed.

 I would like to add another to the growing list. Remember Orinoco the Womble. He touched me!

Whales

After recounting the slaughter of foreigners around the globe, the failings of the economy, the shame of our celebrities and the fall from grace of our sporting heroes, television news programmes often draw their round up to a conclusion with quaint little zoological article. Sometimes this takes the form of a skateboarding duck, or maybe a water skiing squirrel. Other times it is an article that tugs upon the heart strings. Maybe a pit pony with asthma, or more frequently, a whale or whales beached upon our shores.

It has become a common sight to see whales lying on our beaches, whilst hoards of hippies strain to push them back into the sea. These harrowing images are usually accompanied by an interview with a scientist who is unable to shed any light upon the unfortunate creatures' predicament.

Fortunately, I am able to offer up an explanation for these happenings. The problem facing the whale, is not it's lack of navigational skills, but the lack of constructive pastimes. The whale swims, eats plankton and makes baby whales. These simple pleasures fail to satisfy the needs of a creature that is the proud bearer of an enormous brain. Greater mental stimuli is much sought after by the whale.

The whale has tried philosophy. It understood the basic concept of I think therefore I am. However, plankton doesn't think there for it isn't. So what has the whale been eating all these years? Consequently, philosophy is a poor idea for a whale's pastime.

Fortunately for the whale, the brain is not it's only giant appendage. The male whale has a giant penis, often known as a Dork. Consequently, due to the enormity of the dork, the whale spends much of it's time thinking about it. This inevitably results in giant erections. These erections then act as a rudder for the unfortunate whale. The whale then makes unnecessary right turns, ending up on the beach.

The sight of the enormous dork results in the female whales blindly following the male whale's lead. Hence beached whales.