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Sunday, 5 May 2013

Whales

After recounting the slaughter of foreigners around the globe, the failings of the economy, the shame of our celebrities and the fall from grace of our sporting heroes, television news programmes often draw their round up to a conclusion with quaint little zoological article. Sometimes this takes the form of a skateboarding duck, or maybe a water skiing squirrel. Other times it is an article that tugs upon the heart strings. Maybe a pit pony with asthma, or more frequently, a whale or whales beached upon our shores.
It has become a common sight to see whales lying on our beaches, whilst hoards of hippies strain to push them back into the sea. These harrowing images are usually accompanied by an interview with a scientist who is unable to shed any light upon the unfortunate creatures' predicament.

Fortunately, I am able to offer up an explanation for these happenings. The problem facing the whale, is not it's lack of navigational skills, but the lack of constructive pastimes. The whale swims, eats plankton and makes baby whales. These simple pleasures fail to satisfy the needs of a creature that is the proud bearer of an enormous brain. Greater mental stimuli is much sought after by the whale.
The whale has tried philosophy. It understood the basic concept of I think therefore I am. However, plankton doesn't think there for it isn't. So what has the whale been eating all these years? Consequently, philosophy is a poor idea for a whale's pastime.
Fortunately for the whale, the brain is not it's only giant appendage. The male whale has a giant penis, often known as a Dork. Consequently, due to the enormity of the dork, the whale spends much of it's time thinking about it. This inevitably results in giant erections. These erections then act as a rudder for the unfortunate whale. The whale then makes unnecessary right turns, ending up on the beach.
The sight of the enormous dork results in the female whales blindly following the male whale's lead. Hence beached whales.

31 comments:

  1. I don't recall that bit in Moby Dick.

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  2. I thought Moby Dick was the story of a porn star.

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  3. Lmao I think I wet my boxerd !! Not good

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  4. Replies
    1. Not as cute as you Mandy..

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    2. Someone has an itch they want scratching.

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    3. We all have our needs Paolo.

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  5. Whenever I hear to word Dork now, i'm going to have naughty thoughts.

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  6. The fat woman in the last picture reminds me of my ex wife.

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  7. In America a Dork is a nerd.

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    Replies
    1. So do you prefer to be called a nerd or a dork?

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  8. Replies
    1. Bigger than you could handle.

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    2. I think it depends on the type of whale.

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    3. You would be surprised at what Eve can handle/

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  9. Is that how the Sperm Whale gets its name?

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  10. Whales are awesome creatures. I often go whale watching.

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  11. I would love to swim with whales. I know it is dangerous, but it would be worth the risk. I have never even seen a whale for real,

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  12. How do you come up with this stuff?

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  13. This is weird shit.

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  14. This is funny shit.

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  15. I can't help giggling at the last picture.

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    Replies
    1. It used to remind me of my next door neighbour until she moved away lmao..

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    2. Did she squirt water out of her ass?

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