After recounting the slaughter of foreigners around the globe, the failings of the economy, the shame of our celebrities and the fall from grace of our sporting heroes, television news programmes often draw their round up to a conclusion with quaint little zoological article. Sometimes this takes the form of a skateboarding duck, or maybe a water skiing squirrel. Other times it is an article that tugs upon the heart strings. Maybe a pit pony with asthma, or more frequently, a whale or whales beached upon our shores.
It has become a common sight to see whales lying on our beaches, whilst hoards of hippies strain to push them back into the sea. These harrowing images are usually accompanied by an interview with a scientist who is unable to shed any light upon the unfortunate creatures' predicament.
Fortunately, I am able to offer up an explanation for these happenings. The problem facing the whale, is not it's lack of navigational skills, but the lack of constructive pastimes. The whale swims, eats plankton and makes baby whales. These simple pleasures fail to satisfy the needs of a creature that is the proud bearer of an enormous brain. Greater mental stimuli is much sought after by the whale.
The whale has tried philosophy. It understood the basic concept of I think therefore I am. However, plankton doesn't think there for it isn't. So what has the whale been eating all these years? Consequently, philosophy is a poor idea for a whale's pastime.
Fortunately for the whale, the brain is not it's only giant appendage. The male whale has a giant penis, often known as a Dork. Consequently, due to the enormity of the dork, the whale spends much of it's time thinking about it. This inevitably results in giant erections. These erections then act as a rudder for the unfortunate whale. The whale then makes unnecessary right turns, ending up on the beach.
The sight of the enormous dork results in the female whales blindly following the male whale's lead. Hence beached whales.