White Van Man

Apparently, White Van Man has become the new social leper of our highways and byways. Double parking, cutting up other motorists and wiping out cyclists, as they go about their business of disposing of dead bodies and fly tipping.

Their lack of good manners and charm do little to endear them to other road users. However, that does not mean they are without comedy value. Especially if you happen to be a pedestrian. Next time a white van slows to make a idiotic manoeuvre within arms reach, try banging loudly on the side whilst shouting with venom in your voice that the driver is a pervert and hanging is too good for him. Then chuckle with glee as the Jeremy Kyle fodder leap to your assistance with bricks and a verbal torrent of their own. The police are unlikely to be called due to the lack of MOT, Car Tax and valid insurance.

Fun times!

Battle Rhino!

Steven Spielberg's movie War Horse was a tremendous box office success. It also had the critics singing his praises once again. You can't really argue with the financial returns. However, I think he could have improved the story line with a little bit of tinkering with the script.

The idea of a horse caught in the horrors of trench warfare will no doubt tug on a few heart strings, but it isn't really the best choice of animal for the environment. A horse is somewhat limited in it's fighting capacity. So why not swap the horse for a rhino?

Unleashing a rhino across no-mans-land would surely cause havoc in the German trenches. Especially once it catches a glimpse of the spikes on the German helmets popping up above the trenches. It's just a matter of plying the rhino with the right aphrodisiac and sending it over the top. Although powdered rhino horn might not be the wisest choice under the circumstances.

Once the rhino drops down into the German's trenches the ensuing chaos would surely make for a thoroughly enthralling movie masterpiece.

Children Of Courage Awards

I was recently made aware that the Yorkshire Children Of Courage Awards are looming on the horizon and they are seeking nominees. Most years, awards are dished out to children with life threatening diseases, disabilities and general hard luck stories. Now I accept that the circumstances that surrounds these children's lives is unfortunate, but it doesn't take courage to be sick, disabled or unlucky. I want to see awards presented to children that show true courage in the face of adversity.

I witnessed one such child the other day that left me truly overwhelmed. A ginger kid that went to an everyday state funded school. Now that shows true courage!

Epilepsy

I saw someone have an epileptic fit the other day. People stood around gawping, wondering what to do. Then one wag piped up and suggested that the poor inflicted soul be thrown in a bath with some detergent so that they could do their washing.

I can't believe the ignorance of some people. It is common knowledge that people having epileptic fits frequently soil themselves, due to their loss of muscle control. I can't see how that would help remove those stubborn stains and ground in dirt.

School Lies!

During our school days we trusted our teachers implicitly. The word of our teachers equated to those of God. However, looking back from a better informed stand point, we are able to recognise we were duped. Take science lessons for instance. Like many school children before and since, I faced the prospect of learning the periodic table. What a sham that turned out to be. It is now become obvious that sulphur is just powdered egg. That is probably just the tip of the iceberg. Who knows what cobalt really is!

Fairtrade

Most major supermarkets have a range of Fairtrade products. There are also many independent stores exclusively stocking similar goods. Unfortunately, we don't always get a fair trade. I have to confess that I have been conned in the past in pursuit of a noble cause. I purchased a jar of Fairtrade coffee at an inflated price, only to find that it tasted like top soil. How is this a fair trade?
 

However, after a little more thought, I've come to realise that we did probably swap the country of the peasant farmer that produced the aforementioned crap for a string of beads and a looking glass. Perhaps the fair trade is just them getting their own back.

Wimbledon

I have to confess that I did watch some of the tennis today. I was not the only one to make an error of judgement. I noticed Wayne Rooney in the crowd looking perplexed. I think he was in Wimbledon looking for Wombles, and just took a wrong turn.

I watched only briefly. However, it was sufficient time to form the conclusion, that the thing I hate most about Wimbledon is that I will never get that time back again!