According to Woburn Safari Park, sea lions are faster than humans both on land and in water.
So if you're thinking of taking one on in a triathlon, it would probably be in your best interest to work on your cycling.
Once again Christmas is upon us. On the big day, countless folk around our great nation will be tucking into a turkey dinner, accompanied by an abundance of booze. They will then settle down as a family in front of the television to feast on a vast array of audio visual delights with a seasonal twist.
Unfortunately, it has all become a little predictable. The will be The Vicar of Dibley Christmas Special, where we get to see the big fat female vicar munch her way through numerous Christmas dinners in an attempt not to disappoint any of her parishioners. Then there will by the Morecambe and Wise Christmas Special and the Two Ronnies Christmas Special, where we get to laugh at old 1970s sexiest jokes whilst proclaiming them timeless classics!
Staying with the theme of Timeless Classics, there is always the Top of the Pops Christmas Special. Where we get to sing along to all those tunes that we have been pelted with endlessly since the beginning of December.
There will be a Call the Midwife Christmas Special, where poverty tugs at our heart strings, before being replaced by a nice inner warmth when a new life in brought into the world and some nuns sing some lovely Christmas carols.
Downton Abbey Christmas Special gives us a glimpse of how rich people enjoyed Christmas 100 years ago at the expense of the poor.
However, despite all these festive offerings, I can't help feeling that the television producers are missing a trick.
How great would The Walking Dead Christmas Special be? I can picture the scene. A small group of survivors trapped on the roof of a tower block. Ammunition is low. food supplies are down to their last squirrel. The zombies are making their way onto the roof. There is no way down and nowhere to hide. Our weary group of survivors ready themselves for what looks like their last battle to the death.
When all looks lost, the sound of sleigh bells raise eyes skywards. Can it be? Yes it is! It's Santa to the rescue. A couple of heavily armed elves spray bullets at the advancing undead hoard, Whilst Donner and Blitzen do a River Dance on zombie skulls, spreading brains and eyeballs across the snow covered roof. Our heroes are saved. To add to their joy, Daryl Dixon puts a crossbow bolt through the neck of Dasher, so it's reindeer for Christmas dinner.
Who wouldn't want to watch that? It would certainly brighten up my Christmas day!
I can't believe that some people actually cry when chopping onions!
I don't even cry whilst chopping puppies!
At this time of year, our television screens are bombarded with Christmas adverts. As usual, the big debate is raging as to which advert is the best. Last year, John Lewis won hands down. Not so this year. Their pitiful offering featuring Monty the penguin might have increased their sales of over priced stuffed birds, but it just makes me want to punch a penguin. I suppose it will serve to give the swans a day off.
Marks and Spencer have had a good stab at taking the crown, but blew it with their catch phrase Follow the Fairies. That probably wouldn't end well. You could well find yourself in a Leather Bar, sporting a ball gag.
This years title of Best Christmas Advert goes to Sainsbury's. Their carefully crafted depiction of Christmas in the trenches in 1914 is tasteful and touching. It reminds us of the hardship endured by are brave fighting men during the First World War. There is also the touching scene when the Germans and British both leave their respective trenches and share a brief cessation in hostilities. They show each other photographs of loved ones and even enjoy a game of football. Unfortunately, the sounds of war drive them scurrying back to the cover of their trenches and it's back to business as usual.
Once back in their trenches, The German puts his hand in his pocket and pulls out a bar of British chocolate. Back in the British trench, the poor old Tommy is left with a dried up biscuit for his Christmas lunch. The thieving German stole his chocolate on Christmas day! No wonder we went to war with them! Lest we forget!
Nothing puts the fear of god into a restaurant owner more than a visit from the Health Inspectors. Health violations can shut a business down just as quickly as poor cuisine.
Gordon Ramsey has managed to produce a television show based on him shouting abuse at restaurant workers. I suppose, that if it saves the business, it is probably worth taking a few uncouth verbals from a man with a face like pork crackling.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of restaurants out there and Gordon is a busy man. He can't shout at everyone. So if the Health Inspectors are heading to your business, you are going to have to sort your own mess out.
Here's a little tip for you. Why not sweep up those mouse droppings and pop there in your pepper grinders. Thus removing one violation, and cutting your overheads.
We appear to be letting ourselves go a little. Waist lines are bulging, clothes are tightening and butts are spreading.
It's probably time we took a bit of action. But where to start?
Exercise would be a step in the right direction, providing you are agile enough to still be able to walk. Failing this, dieting is probably the best option.There are plenty to choose from. The Cambridge diet, F Plan, Carb free, Cabbage diet and even the Paleo diet, to name but a few. Results tend to vary. However, I have noticed that one diet has quite remarkable results.
Why not try the Swan Diet! After all, you never see a fat royal.
In my previous entry, I recommended spraying derogatory remarks on the walls of your house suggesting a sex offender dwells within, was a good idea to keep away pesky kids calling round Trick or Treating.
This proved to be sound advice. No kids rang my bell. Objective achieved. However, I would like to add that for single women and gay men, the aforementioned graffiti is also a good way to meet firemen.
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