Prison

Prisons are in the news again today. For once it makes a pleasant change to note that it isn't the poor prison officers getting unnecessary criticism. Today the emphasis is on the quality of life granted to the inmates. The media are making claims that the life of prisoners incarcerated in our prisons is unacceptably easy, and prisons consequently provide no deterrent to would be criminals. This all being at the expense of the tax paying public.

This is causing quite a moral dilemma for the government. They are reluctant to dip their hands in their pockets to provide a meaningful prison service that challenges and rehabilitates offenders, whilst providing a safe environment for staff and prisoners alike. Instead, they are reducing the pay of prison officers, demanding greater contributions for their pensions, reducing staff numbers, reducing the length of sentences and sweeping crimes under the carpet to improve their statistics. Hence life  is getting increasingly more dangerous to the general public, as crime increasingly becomes a lifestyle choice for many, whilst many of the crimes they commit go unpunished. Likewise, life inside prison similarly becomes more dangerous as the lack of staff creates further opportunities for violence and criminal activities.

Much of the topical debate is centred around television, which is readily available to every prisoner. It is argued that television has a calming effect on prisoners by relieving boredom. Other than allowing them to see what their families are up to, on the Jeremy Kyle Show, there is no evidence to suggest that it has any beneficial qualities. There has certainly been no reduction in the amount of criminal activities taking place in our prisons since the introduction of televisions in prison cells. If anything, it has had a negative effect. Literary rates amongst prisoners are falling as fewer prisoners now read books.

It is argued that television can be used as a tool of manipulation. Removing the television for a few days is supposed encourage hardened criminals to have a change of heart and turn from their lives of crime. Now I maybe accused of being a bit of a sceptic, but I'm not sure that is going to work. I would like to see slightly more pro-active means employed. How about the reintroduction of the Judas Chair.

This lovely device was has been a part of terror since the middle ages and there are reports of it still being used to this day in certain parts of the world. The concept is simple, you place the person on the pyramid shape and allow their own weight to bring the pain.

The tip of the pyramid is usually inserted in the anus, vagina or under the testicles. Depending on the mood of the interrogator the punished could be rocked or dropped down on it repeatedly. Guaranteed to break ones spirit and  back passage.

Alternatively, having to share a cell with the likes of Max Clifford, Jim Davidson or Freddie Starr might also have a significant impact on negative behaviour.

Messi

I'm a rugby man through and through. My knowledge of football is limited to say the least. Despite the pages of the tabloids being constantly filled with their antics both on and off the field of play, I know neither their names nor who they play for. In fact it has got to the stage now, where their high jinx demand greater media attention their footballing prowess.

Consequently, it came as a great surprise to me that there is a footballer going by the name of Messi. I had been labouring under the notion that it was just a nickname the other players had for Wayne Rooney when he forgets his bib.

Carbon Footprint.

We've seriously messed up the weather. It is no longer possible to even tell what season it is. Apparently, we are all to blame collectively. According to the scientists, our wasteful nature is leaving massive Carbon Footprints all over the planet. Which in turn are leading to all manner of unpleasantness due to climatic changes.

Consequently, I've decided to rid myself of the burden of guilt, by making more of an effort to recycle. Not only am I making my own candles out of ear wax, but I'm growing mustard and cress on my old underpants. Nobody can point there finger at me and say that I'm not doing my bit!

Thatcher

Ding dong the witch is dead. Maggie Thatcher has finally popped her clogs, and I for one won't be mourning the loss.

She caused me nothing but hardship whilst she was alive. In death she is still a burden on the nation. She has been granted a state funeral. It is estimated that the cost of the funeral will be in the region of £10,000,000. Once again the nation's tax payers are having to put their hands in their pockets for the evil one.

If the nation is determined to honour her memory, then surely her funeral should be privatised and offered out to the lowest bidder in the true spirit of Thatcherism. She would end up being floated down the Thames in a bin liner.

Alternatively, we could just chuck her rotting corpse down a mine shaft. How apt would that be?

Human Resources

As Europe undergoes financial hardship, businesses everywhere are looking to save money to cut their overheads. Unfortunately, this often means the reduction of staff. Unemployment follows as sure as night follows day. However, this need not necessarily be the case.

A recent trip to the cinema opened my eyes to an appalling waste of human resources. A bored usherette stood to the side of the restless audience, brandishing a tray of over priced refreshments. Not a single potential customer approached her or even acknowledged her existence. Anybody requiring refreshments to enhance their cinematic experience would have saved a small fortune by bringing their own with them.

She served no purpose and gained little in the way of job satisfaction. It is only a matter of time before the manager views her as surplus to requirements and the axe falls once again. Fortunately, I've come up with a cunning plan. Rather than laying anybody off, why not just shuffle around the workforce and create a new position the would enhance the cinema goers enjoyment. I suggest the new position of Child Puncher. They could stealthily move about in the darkness, punching children that annoy other cinema goers with their ceaseless chatter and bouts of whopping cough. Just look at the benefits. Cinema goers have a more enjoyable experience, the employee has fulfilling employment and job satisfaction and to top it all, it would make for great entertainment should the movie fail to impress.

The End Of The World

Whether it be scientists, self proclaimed prophets or nutters wearing aluminium foil helmets to protect them from alien mind control, there is no shortage of doom and gloom merchants predicting the imminent end of the world. The variety of apocalyptic endings are as varied as the pessimistic crayon eating window lickers that promote them. So let's have a look at what's on offer.

 

Nuclear War - Not quite as popular as it was in the 60s, 70s and 80s, but still oozing with potential. With the number of countries getting their corrupt misguided hands on nuclear weapons increasing, the number of barking mad tyrants with their finger on the button is similarly increasing.

Fortunately, there is little to be gained from triggering a nuclear holocaust. Even the most ardent megalomaniac seems to have come to this conclusion. Well maybe not in North Korea, but generally it is accepted as a bad idea. Even Ronald Reagan managed to refrain from getting over excited and breaking out the big boy fireworks.

Plague  - With the amount of experimentation that goes on with existing viruses, this is not beyond the realms of possibility. I just hope that if it is a disease that puts an end to mankind, that it is not some form of wasting disease. I would hate to see the fat knackers having the last laugh as we all pop our clogs before them. I can just imagine the last death throes of mankind taking the form of large slow moving pie eaters, gulping down their last bargain buckets before nose diving into what remains of the pot holed tarmac. Much the same as the demise of the last of the dinosaurs.

Giant Meteor Strike - The likelihood of this happening is not as great as the scientists would have us believe. The reason being that we now have at our disposal the means necessary to repulse such a threat. A huge stockpile of nuclear weapons and hoards of spotty schoolboys that have honed their shooting skills on a variety of video games.

Environmental Breakdown - The way we are working our way through the earth's supplies of coal, oil and gas, it won't be long before we actually run out of pollutants. Thus bringing this threat to an end.

As for global warming, it could be a blessing in disguise, ridding us of the spam smelling ginger mutants. Also crops would change for the better. Which do you prefer, sprouts, cabbage and swede or pineapples, mangoes and bananas?

So how will the world end? What will bring down the final curtain on the existence of the human race? As usual, I've pondered long and hard on this dilemma and realised that the answer is blatantly obvious. Don't look to the skies, look to the chavs, the trailer trash, Jeremy Kyle guests and other undesirables that act as a cancer upon our society. They continuously take, often by illegal means, without ever giving back. They also multiply at an alarming rate, without having the necessary means to support their vile offspring. Consequently, the cancer will continue to grow until society is no longer able to support their perceived needs. The undesired element will then turn upon it's hosts. Their numbers will be by this time greater than ours, hence our demise. However, if our days are numbered, then likewise so are theirs. The parasite needs a host to survive.

Obviously, it doesn't have to end this way. We could always pre-empt and strike first.

Easter

Once again, Easter is almost upon us. However, before the big day, we have to complete Lent and endure Good Friday. Although for the life of me, I cannot fathom out what is supposed to be so good about it. It certainly wasn't good for the Jews. As the day marks the start of 2,000 years of persecution. Likewise, Jesus didn't have one of his better days. It wasn't even a good day for the Romans, as they had to work.

Nowadays, Good Friday is a much more palatable affair. Not only is it a national holiday, but we get to eat hot cross buns. Plus we also get to watch Ben-Hur on television.

The holiday period reaches it's climax with Easter Sunday. We celebrate this day with rabbit and chicken imagery, and the salad dodgers' favourites, chocolate eggs.

Unfortunately, there are always villains eager to take advantage of the festivities to satisfy their own evil ends. It has come to my attention, that throughout the period of Lent, catholic priests wear vestments of the same colour as Cadbury Dairy Milk wrappers. A colour easily identified with chocolate to any child in the country. Hence the grooming begins.

Catholic priests, fluffy bunnies and chocolate. Some naïve fat catholic boys might soon find lettuce slightly more appealing in the days to come.